My Visit With My Princess. . .

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I hardly slept the night before.  All I could do was think of Joy.  Ten years had passed since I last saw her and the truth of what had happened was harder to deal with than anything else, but this visit would either wash away the past or kill our future.  I knew I loved her but would our love be enough this time?  I needed to see her to know if my memories of how she used to make me feel were real or what I wanted to remember.

In the morning I was trying to get ready and focus my mind.  She had kept telling me she got old and fat, but with her it has always been hard to tell what is fact and what is her imagination.  She has always had a distorted body image and she had battled with a horrible eating disorder for many years.  I love her so much, but I was ready for anything.  I needed her to feel beautiful no matter what the situation was.  She kept telling me no matter what I did she would think I thought she was fat and old.  This was a lot of pressure because I love this woman, and I didn’t want to cause her any pain.

The visits start at 9am and when I last talked to her, she was driving to NY the night before.  When I woke up there was snow on the ground and it was coming down hard.  Joy told me the hotel she was going to stay at was 11 miles away.  I figured her SUV would make it, I was just hoping she wasn’t catching cold feet.  I was showered and ready, but time felt like it was at a stand still. When 10 am rolled around I heard the officer’s jingling keys downstairs and I was about to beg him for an emergency call when he called up to me; “Deleyer, on the visit”.  My nerves washed away and I was overjoyed.  It was finally time to see my princess.  I had packed up a few things I was planning on sending home with her.  I had 3 paintings, 3 marble notebooks that contained my book and a little purple bear I had a guy in here make for her.  I grabbed my bag and was on my way.

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I walked into the visiting room and I saw her right away.  Yes, she had put on some weight but Continue reading “My Visit With My Princess. . .”

 

10 Years Lost. . .My Visit With Jeff

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I was supposed to go and see Jeff next Tuesday, the 7th.  I had everything scheduled and set to go, but I woke up yesterday morning and something inside of me said you need to go now.  I don’t know why, but I felt as though I had to go. I spent my day yesterday running around doing everything I needed to do in order to leave. I arrived home, packed my suitcase, settled the kids and left around 8:30pm.

I speak with Jeff twice a day.  Yesterday morning he called and I told him I was coming.  Oh my goodness, he was beyond excited!  Of course, I was nervous.  I am not the same woman I once was, I am 65lbs bigger.  We haven’t seen each other in 10 years, and I abandoned him without so much as a word.  I was nervous, afraid of him seeing me, what it could do to him.  I thought it may have the reverse effect on him, maybe it would trigger him.  I don’t know. The thought of this had my stomach in knots.

I arrived in Corning NY at 2am.  I was beyond exhausted.  I checked into the hotel and fell asleep almost immediately.  I woke up around 7 am and started to get ready, and checked out of the hotel about 90 minutes later.  It was snowing outside and just nasty and windy.  I packed my suitcase and drove off. I stopped at a Target on the way to grab an umbrella and made my way to the prison.  Once I arrived I had this sinking feeling. I can’t explain to you how entering a prison makes you feel.  I have always hated this.  I hate everything about prison.  Most of the correctional officers have a nasty attitude and attempt to talk down to you, it just isn’t a pleasant experience.

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I had never been to this prison before. Jeff has now been in every single Maximum Security Prison in the state of NY, some of them twice.  But Elmira Correctional Facility Continue reading “10 Years Lost. . .My Visit With Jeff”