New Life, Ex-Wife Part 1. . .

I used to go by “anonymous”, then I grew into “anonymous no more” on a Betrayed Wives Club website. Now I am ME, Cyndie Bryant. How did it get to here?

On the last day of September 2016, I looked at my husband’s tablet and saw these words, “I Miss you Mark,” “I Miss you too Sharon,” “I Love you Mark,” “I love you too Sharon.”

Well, since my name is Cyndie I knew this wasn’t me! (Sarcasm -101). My husband of 20 years, had been having a three-year affair (oops, she wrote that in one of her messenger tests herself) with another women. Another ALSO married women. Three years ago, I caught him having an emotional affair, or on-line affair as he called it with this same women. He and she were texting each other, first on Facebooks messenger (she sent him a late night text that said, “I’m back”. I asked him where she had been!) He claimed it was simple flirting, he’d stop immediately. Then a few months later, there she was again, this time on the cell phone I bought him as a surprise birthday gift (it took me a few months to “catch on”). His son worked with him at the time and was teasing him about who he was texting so much….of course, he was told “Cyndie, who else”? Texting back and forth 1700 times in July, 2000 times in August…..and it went on and upwards until I caught them in January by seeing the phone bill (yes, I have the originals). He tried to lie, saying it was some male friend of his that liked to send porn back and forth. Well, it was a “friend” all right, her name was S Sinclair. I finally dragged it out of him and verified that it was her cell phone. Continue reading “New Life, Ex-Wife Part 1. . .”

 

Escape. . .

I have thrown myself into work.  This is how I escape. . .escape from my problems, escape from the reality that this is now my life. . .For the past few weeks I have averaged around 95 hours per week in my office.  I am busy, very busy, too busy to worry about whatever it is he may be doing.  I am focused on my business and my financial future.  I am now a single mother.  I have been left with all of the responsibilities.  I have to be the one to make sure our bills are paid and we are ok.  He is no longer responsible due to him no longer residing in our home.  Or at least this is the way he sees it. . . Everything is now all on me.   Thankfully, I have been very fortunate.  My business started booming immediately.  Due to this, I am very overwhelmed.  I am trying to juggle being a mom and a business owner, but am finding this very difficult.  I know in the long run this will all be worth it, but for now, I am stressed.  At first, I was angry with him, I was so damn angry. . . but, I am no longer angry.  If it wasn’t for him being so selfish, if it wasn’t for him being such a dirty cheater, if it wasn’t for him being a man who cared about himself more than his family, I wouldn’t have had this amazing sense of independence.  I no longer need him.  For the past year or so, I needed him.  He was the breadwinner, he was the sole supporter of our family.  I no longer contributed financially after selling the website.  All the responsibility was on him.  To be honest, this was the only time in 11 years I did get to step back and take a breath.  I have always worked.  But I was able to stay at home for a year and it was wonderful.  I sometimes wonder if the reason everything went south was due to his inability to handle the responsibility of solely caring for his family.  I guess I will never know.  This would require honesty from him, and honesty is such a foreign concept to my ex. . .but my gut tells me yes and my gut is usually always right.  I truly believe he just couldn’t handle the responsibility. Continue reading “Escape. . .”

 

Time To Move On. . .

I hate him.  I really, truly, hate him.  Half of me wants to pack up and move away, but the other half of me refuses to allow him to disrupt my life any further.  I have wasted so many years of my life trying to do the inevitable.  I have tried to change a man who doesn’t see any issues in his actions.  I have wasted so many precious hours of my life, attempting to make him into a faithful man.  I failed, but to be honest, I never had a fighting change.  He is a narcissist and lacks empathy.  He is just a very broken little boy trapped in a mans body.  I have LOVED him, I have FORGIVEN more times than I would like to admit, and my loyalty was unfaltering.  It was not enough for him. Nothing will ever be enough for him.  I have so much resentment, because I gave up too much, but I have to get over it.  I have to move forward, without him.  He is toxic to me. . .

I am a Long Island native, a true “north shore” girl.  I have lived in Maryland for almost 13 years, and it took me at least 10 of those years to adapt.  I always missed Long Island, Continue reading “Time To Move On. . .”

 

The Life I Once Knew. . .

I feel like I have been robbed.  The life I once knew, is gone. . .the future I once hoped for, has disappeared. . .  It is not fair.  This is not the life I was supposed to live.  I was supposed to have my happy ending.   I put in too many years, went through too many heart breaks, and I gave up so much!  I gave up the happy ending I was couldn’t have for the happy ending I could actually have.  It was possible, he was here, physically here. . . all because he didn’t know how to be faithful, or perhaps, maybe, he just didn’t know how to cheat.  I mean they do say “what you don’t know won’t hurt you.”  He wasn’t a good cheater.  I always knew, and it always killed me.

Father’s Day was a difficult day.  This was the 1st Father’s Day since the unexpected death of my father.  This was also the first holiday since our separation.  It was very different, and not in a good way.   I understand this day is not my day, it was “his day”, but in a way, it used to be my day too.  I was the one who always made Father’s Day special for him.  I was the one who always made a big deal, and hosted great bbq’s with friends and family.  I don’t think he ever truly appreciated all I would do, before.  I wonder if he realized how different this was?  All of these special days will now be different.  Birthdays, Christmas, etc.  They won’t feel the same for me and the kids, and they sure as hell won’t feel the same for him.  Everything about my life is different.   Continue reading “The Life I Once Knew. . .”

 

I Miss You

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Today would’ve been my dad’s 64th birthday.  As much as I feel like just being by myself with my thoughts, I can’t because it is also my little boy’s 8th birthday.  So of course, I have to make sure this day is absolutely perfect even though I am dying inside.  I miss my dad and even though it has been about 4 months, I still cannot believe he is gone.  So while my big boy who is now 8 is in school, it is just me and my thoughts. . .

Some of you may have read my posts on the SAHW website about my dad’s affair.  He cheated on my mother when I was 5 years old with her friend. Continue reading “I Miss You”