26 Years. . .Told by Jeff. . .

“This was very difficult for him to write.  He really had an issue with writing about the point where I left him for dead.  Due to this, he said he couldn’t write everything he feels, at least not now because the pain is too fresh”.

15979082_10212462989116743_877449215_n  Jeff&Joy

The music was loud on the cellblock, the racket was so normal, that any seasoned inmate has the ability to tune out the noise.  At this point in my life, I had already been in prison for 5 years, so I had no issue reading my book during the regular chaos.  My cell was #17 out of 40 cells on the prison tier.  I was in the middle but even through all the loud music and noise, I heard a woman’s voice, “female walking on the company”.  In prison, when a woman is on the cell block, they will announce their presence so the men know to be dressed appropriately. Mrs. Scott was my inmate counselor and once every three months she called me into her office to check on my progress with my programs and such. When Mrs. Scott stopped in front of my cell it was a little bit of a shock. However, the message she was about to deliver was one I never saw coming.  This message would change my life.  After a quick greeting, Mrs. Scott told me a friend from my past had called her and wanted to come visit me.  I was excited and told Mrs. Scott to please tell her to come.  Mrs. Scott gave me such a scare because she said she wasn’t sure if she had kept her number, but god was on my side and she would make it up to see me. When she left from in front of my cell I laid back in my bed, my book forgotten and drifted back in time.  

The year was 1991 and I had been sent to Saint James out on Long Island to live with my Grandmother.  I had been getting into trouble in my old neighborhood, so they all decided I needed to go live with Grandma.  Smithtown High School was located in a middle to upper class area in Long Island, and I was coming from a different world.  When I walked into Smithtown High School I swear everyone was looking at me like I was from outer space.  I had my leather 8 ball jacket on and my Nike Air Max’s which matched my jacket.  I don’t think they had ever seen anything like me.  I had a cousin who went to the school and I knew a couple of the girls who had ridden horses at my family’s horse farm, but I didn’t have any friends yet.  I have always been a people person, so I started making friends quickly. Plus, I was already in the drug game so I became popular real fast.  Sadly, at this time I was more interested in making drug sales, instead of going to class.  The school had an area called the commons where kids could smoke cigarettes and hangout when they didn’t go to classes.  This was my area because it was the best place to make money in the school.  One day I was out in the commons area and a kid named Tom was introducing me to people and teaching me the ropes of the school.  He introduced me to a group on girls.  One of the girls was a cute brown-haired, brown-eyed girl.  She had her pinch-rolled pants on and a pull over and when I looked at her she gave me the cutest smile in the world.  This was the girl who was due to show-up on the visit the next day. . .

Here I was, sitting in my cell in a maximum security prison convicted of a drug related murder and I was waiting for the hours to pass so I could see the woman I first met as a little girl.  My life in prison was crazy because of the violence that was a part of my every day, but the mention of her name allowed me to travel back in time in my cell.  I drifted back to my youth and my memories of her.  There was always something different about her.  She had this innocence.  She was a good girl and I was a “bad boy”, but I could talk to her about anything.  I had respect for her because she wasn’t like the other girls in my life who I never respected.  She would come with me and the boys when we would go surfing and she would sit on the beach and watch us surf for hours, even as late as November when we needed dry suits because it was so cold.  She would come to the different Raves with me, we went everywhere.  She was a good girl though.  Never one who was into drugs and she wasn’t one of the other girls who were spreading their legs for everyone.  She had too much respect for herself to be like the other girls.  I was very protective over her and kept her close so she stayed innocent.  

I was a wild kid.  I was selling drugs and getting involved in all sorts of nonsense.  I called my princess one night and told her that me and a few of the boys were going on a “surfing trip”.  A few minutes later I got into a stolen car loaded with drugs and surfboards, which seemed like a good idea at the time.  Of course I left out all the illegal details when I called her.  She made me promise to stop by her house.  I promised her I would and this would be one promise I didn’t keep.  I ended up getting locked up in Florida and when I got out, she was the only person from home I was speaking to.  She made me Christmas cookies with her mom and sent them to me.  One of the cookies she “thinks” put a small crack on my back molar, but I told her I ate all of them (even though they were horrible) because she made them for me and they were delicious! 😉  I was still wild and I needed to come home.  I liked Florida, but I have always been a New York boy. My mother (my aunt who raised me) came down to Florida to bring me home, but it wasn’t going to be peaches and cream upon my return.  As usual, the law had questions for me. Sadly, this would be a recurring theme in my life until one day, a judge would match my age with the time of my sentence he would eventually hand me.  
Continue reading “26 Years. . .Told by Jeff. . .”

 

This End Is Truly The Beginning. . . (Part 5-26 Years)

Jeff wrote his version of our story as well.  It was so nice to read his side, and his memories. . . Click here to read 26 Years, Told By Jeff 

Jeff asked me the other day; “why didn’t you say something to me at the diner.  Why didn’t you just say Jeff, I love you and I can’t live without you and I need you to come with me right now. I want to get married and have our happily ever after, please come with me, I love you and I don’t want to be without you.”  I said to him; “what would you have done with all the girls in your car, would you have just left your crazy life and left with me?”  His response was, “I don’t know, I may have.  It was you, you were always the special one, you were always my little baby.”

This destroyed me. . .did I miss an opportunity, an opportunity that would’ve changed my life forever? Sadly, I will never know. . . I dreamt of our life often, especially when I wasn’t with him.  It was always the same day-dream, and for some reason, he always had the long blonde hair.  This night I was lost in thought. . .and I had to write to him to tell him the day-dream I have had for over 20 years. . .

I wanted everything with YOU Jeff.  I wanted to love you, to save you, to give you forever.  I wanted you to be the first and only man who would ever have me, the only man who had ever touched me. You were my first everything.  Did you know this? . . .because you were all I ever wanted and needed.  I wanted you to one day get on your hands and knees and tell me you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me, and ask me to marry you. I would of course cry and say yes.  I wanted us to get married, a small wedding, under the stars at the beach. . .on the sand and even though we would have guests, we wouldn’t be able to see them, because all we would see was each other.  And then I wanted us to buy our first house together, I wanted us to argue over what colors to paint the walls, what decor and furniture to put in this room and that room.  I wanted to throw my mini temper tantrums until you let me do whatever I wanted, because after all, I was your princess and you couldn’t stand to see me upset.  When I found out we were pregnant with our first child, I wanted to surprise you with something special, like a present with a onesie wrapped up that said “Prince DeLeyer” or “Princess DeLeyer” or something corny like this.  And when you looked at me with a confused look I would’ve had the pregnancy test in my hand. . .I can see you now (you have blonde hair in this day-dream) and you run up to me, pick me up and spin Continue reading “This End Is Truly The Beginning. . . (Part 5-26 Years)”

 

It’s Over, It’s Really, Really, Over. . .

So much has happened, I am moving on.  It is over, it is really, really over.  Although I knew it was over a long time ago, what has occurred in the past few weeks just solidified this for me.  There are no more distant what if’s, I am done.  I will not lie and say I do not still love him, because I do, but I have such a deep hatred towards him.  He is irreversibly broken, and I just can’t do it anymore. . . At the end of the day, all he cares about is himself.  He is a narcissistic sociopath and he will never change.  I have finally accepted this.

I am dating and just speaking to people.  This is so different for me.  I do not know how to do this. I was so closed off.  I never had a social life, never went out with friends.  To be honest, I only have 3 people in my life I would truly consider friends.  I don’t trust many people so it is difficult for me to let people in.  I have built a wall up, I don’t trust anyone and I am now beginning to realize, this will just hurt me in the future.

I have a new friend.  He is sweet and very attractive and he makes me smile.  I guess we are dating, to be honest, I don’t even know how to do this anymore.  We talk every day and text throughout the day.  He brings me coffee at my office and we just speak about life.  We speak of my ex often, Continue reading “It’s Over, It’s Really, Really, Over. . .”