4.6lbs Down. . .

Just wanted to give everyone a little update.  I just completed week one of my weight loss journey, and I lost 4.6lbs!  I am excited about this and I am trying not to think of how much longer and how much more I have to go. The truth is, if this was years ago, I would’ve lost 10lbs in a week, but. . . I am not so young anymore.

I worked out 6 out of 7 days at the gym and I found it really helpful by pre-making all of my meals.  I basically gave up bread and sweets and just eat fish and salad.  It’s easier to make good choices when you can open up the refrigerator and just grab something.  I feel as though if I didn’t pre make my food, I wouldn’t have ate well.  This will be the key to my success.

Although I didn’t make it to the gym yesterday, which was weigh in day, I will be going today and the rest of the week. I have a great playlist of music to listen to while I work out and this helps! I must remember it didn’t take a day to put on, so it sure as hell is not going to take a day to take off!




Finding Joy. . .My Weight Loss Journey. . .

I have been overweight for 10 years now.  My weight has fluctuated from 130-230.  I wish I could say it was due to having my youngest son, but the truth is, when I delivered him, I was 170 and I think I came home from the hospital at around 160.  I didn’t gain a ton of weight while pregnant.  Here is me 10 years ago. . .  130lbs-136lbs.  These are the photos he looks at. . .  I miss her.  Back during this time, I thought I was a fat whale. . .


This one was for Jeff’s eyes only but. . .



In my 20’s and early 30’s I was a strict Vegetarian.  I exercised at least 5 days a week for 2 hours a day.  I have battled with Bulimia for over 20 years.  I stopped throwing up regularly at 29, but stopped throwing up entirely at 35.  What most people don’t understand about Bulimia is bulimics do not “lose weight” from throwing up, they maintain their weight.  When I was younger,  I was diagnosed with Body Dysmorphic Disorder.  The medical definition of Body Dysmorphic Disorder is “a psychological disorder in which a person becomes obsessed with imaginary defects in their appearance.”  Basically, you can’t really see what you look like when you look into a mirror.  When I was thin, I thought I was fat, and when I got fat, I honestly believe I had no idea as to how fat I became.

As most of you know, my ex was a serial cheater.  He cheated constantly and I believe this played a huge role in my weight gain.  I was depressed because I was with a man, and had a child with a man who had no regard for my feelings.  I was miserable for such a long time and regretted Continue reading “Finding Joy. . .My Weight Loss Journey. . .”


A Trip Down Memory Lane. . .

I don’t know if you would call our love normal.  Some may even say our love is not healthy, or he loves me in a crazy obsessive way. . .but I have come to realize, we are the only two people who need to understand us.  The way this man makes me feel is amazing.  Just hearing his voice instantly relaxes me, my eyes close and I exhale.  He loves me, to death. I believe he would do anything in the world for me and I also believe he would never cheat on me.  This is coming from the mouth of a woman who created the SAHW Website, the woman who believes most men in the world can’t be faithful.  But he is just different.  He loves me in a way, I am not too sure many people have experienced.  We are just different.  We have always been different.  

He called me this morning and asked me if I watched the video yet.  He has been begging me to watch this video for days and I just forgot.  So when he was on the phone today, I grabbed my laptop and watched this video for him.  It’s now 16 hours later, and I am still thinking about this song and us.  He saw it and it reminded him of us.  A story of a girl and guy who were in love.  They were crazy about each other and the video flashes back to show them as young kids.  Ironically, the guy has blonde hair and the girl is a tan skinned dark-haired girl.  Yeah, it reminded me of us too, especially some of the lyrics and the guy who can’t seem to stay out of trouble.  This song took me back to when we were kids.

I don’t remember everything about high school, but when he speaks to me about things we did, I remember like it was yesterday.  Today we took a trip down memory lane.

When we were in high school, raves became very popular.  A whole bunch of kids would be in a warehouse and techno music would be blaring.  If you went to a rave, you were high.  Most of the kids at raves were high off of ecstasy pills or angel dust.  I was never really fond of techno music, but I would go to the raves just to be with him. Everyone we were with would always be high, but not me. Continue reading “A Trip Down Memory Lane. . .”


This End Is Truly The Beginning. . . (Part 5-26 Years)

Jeff wrote his version of our story as well.  It was so nice to read his side, and his memories. . . Click here to read 26 Years, Told By Jeff 

Jeff asked me the other day; “why didn’t you say something to me at the diner.  Why didn’t you just say Jeff, I love you and I can’t live without you and I need you to come with me right now. I want to get married and have our happily ever after, please come with me, I love you and I don’t want to be without you.”  I said to him; “what would you have done with all the girls in your car, would you have just left your crazy life and left with me?”  His response was, “I don’t know, I may have.  It was you, you were always the special one, you were always my little baby.”

This destroyed me. . .did I miss an opportunity, an opportunity that would’ve changed my life forever? Sadly, I will never know. . . I dreamt of our life often, especially when I wasn’t with him.  It was always the same day-dream, and for some reason, he always had the long blonde hair.  This night I was lost in thought. . .and I had to write to him to tell him the day-dream I have had for over 20 years. . .

I wanted everything with YOU Jeff.  I wanted to love you, to save you, to give you forever.  I wanted you to be the first and only man who would ever have me, the only man who had ever touched me. You were my first everything.  Did you know this? . . .because you were all I ever wanted and needed.  I wanted you to one day get on your hands and knees and tell me you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me, and ask me to marry you. I would of course cry and say yes.  I wanted us to get married, a small wedding, under the stars at the beach. . .on the sand and even though we would have guests, we wouldn’t be able to see them, because all we would see was each other.  And then I wanted us to buy our first house together, I wanted us to argue over what colors to paint the walls, what decor and furniture to put in this room and that room.  I wanted to throw my mini temper tantrums until you let me do whatever I wanted, because after all, I was your princess and you couldn’t stand to see me upset.  When I found out we were pregnant with our first child, I wanted to surprise you with something special, like a present with a onesie wrapped up that said “Prince DeLeyer” or “Princess DeLeyer” or something corny like this.  And when you looked at me with a confused look I would’ve had the pregnancy test in my hand. . .I can see you now (you have blonde hair in this day-dream) and you run up to me, pick me up and spin Continue reading “This End Is Truly The Beginning. . . (Part 5-26 Years)”