I Hate Him. . .

***Warning, I will probably drop the F-bomb and this whole post will probably be very abrasive***

He is a liar, he can’t tell the truth. . .I am so tired of his lies and his shit. . .

I fucking hate him.  When I tell you I hate him, I fucking hate him.  I just can’t fucking stand him.  I do not want to deal with him anymore.  I am not answering his calls, and he will be lucky if I let him speak to his son.  I know this is not right, but right now, I don’t give a shit.  If my son requests to speak with him, I will let him call him. . .but I am not going to mention anything.  When he calls, he is getting the ignore button.  To be honest, he is lucky I don’t block his sorry ass.

His priorities are completely out of whack, and I am so tired of dealing with his selfish choices, decisions and actions. I am tired.  Just done.

We had a big blow up the other day and I lost it.  I often wonder what planet this man lives on. He is delusional.  He actually thinks he is a good person.  This is very scary to me.  He is not a good person.   Continue reading “I Hate Him. . .”

 

Anger & Resentment. . .

I guess he has always been a loser, but now I finally see. . .The rose-colored glasses I have worn for years, have been removed.  The dream world I have lived in, has finally begun to dissipate.  Reality has hit me like a ton of bricks, and I just continue to wonder how such a smart girl, could have been so damn stupid.

I thought he adored his family, adored his little boy.  I thought wrong.  I know he loves him, but he only loves him in the only way he is capable of loving.  He is selfish to the core and I just can’t fucking stand him.  I know many of you will probably despise me for feeling this, but at this current moment. . .at 12:17am, July 4th 2016, I am thinking of how he is worth more to me dead than alive. . .I hate him.  I want him to suffer.  I want to destroy him.  I can’t deal with him, but I have to!  There is NO POSSIBLE way to make a clean break.  I have to speak to him, I have to see him. . .there is no way to avoid this.

I asked him Friday to take my younger son this weekend.  Not overnight, but Saturday and Sunday.  His nanny is away for the holiday weekend and I was stuck.  This idiot had the audacity to say Continue reading “Anger & Resentment. . .”

 

The Life I Once Knew. . .

I feel like I have been robbed.  The life I once knew, is gone. . .the future I once hoped for, has disappeared. . .  It is not fair.  This is not the life I was supposed to live.  I was supposed to have my happy ending.   I put in too many years, went through too many heart breaks, and I gave up so much!  I gave up the happy ending I was couldn’t have for the happy ending I could actually have.  It was possible, he was here, physically here. . . all because he didn’t know how to be faithful, or perhaps, maybe, he just didn’t know how to cheat.  I mean they do say “what you don’t know won’t hurt you.”  He wasn’t a good cheater.  I always knew, and it always killed me.

Father’s Day was a difficult day.  This was the 1st Father’s Day since the unexpected death of my father.  This was also the first holiday since our separation.  It was very different, and not in a good way.   I understand this day is not my day, it was “his day”, but in a way, it used to be my day too.  I was the one who always made Father’s Day special for him.  I was the one who always made a big deal, and hosted great bbq’s with friends and family.  I don’t think he ever truly appreciated all I would do, before.  I wonder if he realized how different this was?  All of these special days will now be different.  Birthdays, Christmas, etc.  They won’t feel the same for me and the kids, and they sure as hell won’t feel the same for him.  Everything about my life is different.   Continue reading “The Life I Once Knew. . .”

 

10 Years Gone. . .

I finally did it, I am finally free.  I am no longer living with a narcissistic sociopath who has cheated for years.  I can’t explain exactly what happened, but something inside of me just snapped.  It was as though I woke up one day, and just decided I was not going to live like this anymore.  Of course he cheated, again, he always cheats, but this time I couldn’t even hold on for the kids.  I just didn’t care, I was done, I was ready, it was time.

I wish I could say it was a smooth exit, but it wasn’t.  He left willingly, although I don’t think he had any inkling this was it. I don’t think he had any idea I was done. He probably assumed I needed time to cool off. . . But, staying at that moment meant me hammering out the questions, he didn’t want to answer.  Continue reading “10 Years Gone. . .”

 

To My Homewrecker, My Ex-Husband

To my home wrecker , my ex-husband. They say people cheat because they are missing something at home, physical affection , sexual gratification , mental connection / understanding , well what was your excuse? Because even though we had more than 1 handful of children to raise ( your’s from you previous relationship’s and mine from my previous relationship and our’s ) I always found time to be the loving supportive wife and mother to you all , I was exhausted most nights after you would go to work at midday and not come home until your shift ended around 11pm.

Weekdays were filled with our children coming home from school and the normal routines home work , afternoon tea , play time , bath time , dinner time , bed time , then making sure you ate when you came home from work and when you were in the mood satisfying you in bed before sleep. We Continue reading “To My Homewrecker, My Ex-Husband”

 

I Deserve Better

I recently shared a letter to my husband. After some contemplation, I thought perhaps my story could help others in a similar situation, so her it goes.

I was 18 years old when I joined the Army. No one would have guessed that I would excel in the military, but I absolutely loved it. When I left for basic training, I had been seeing a sweet guy who didn’t understand the rigors of boot camp. When I couldn’t call him everyday, he thought that meant I no longer cared. He moved on and met someone else. While at the time, this didn’t actually seem to be too big of a deal, not long after that he was killed in a car accident in which he had been drinking and driving. When we were together, I wouldn’t allow him to drink and drive and I spent a lot of time later on wondering what might have been.

I was in my fourth year in the Army when I met the man I would later marry. He was cool, confident and honestly a challenge. I met him at an Army training event. He was a soldier too and at that point in my life, I had found that men who didn’t know that lifestyle, didn’t take kindly to it. Continue reading “I Deserve Better”

 

On April 1, 2015 I received the most heartbreaking life altering news you possibly could in a marriage. My husband hand been cheating on me with the w***e he rented his trailer to. I have so many things to say to her (I speak my mind to him daily about it) So here’s my letter to my HW.
Dear HW,

A lot of people say you can’t wreck a home if the home is already wrecked. This is untrue. Granted, he and I had our ups and downs, but who doesn’t. When he decided to rent the trailer to you, I said Continue reading

 

Dear Homewrecker,

I’ve thought long and hard about what I’d say if I ever got to write to you and I think I’ve finally got it. You came legs wide, lips ready, and arms wide open into my marriage. You knew who I was and you knew he was married and you for sure knew he already started a family, since you had seen us how many times when we would go to your place of work to eat. But none of that mattered to you, and that seriously blows my mind! How do you not feel like a piece of shit for sleeping with someone’s husband whether he was wearing his ring or not? HE IS STILL MARRIED!!! And the whole time you were hanging all over him and kissing him etc HIS WIFE (me) was at our home taking care of our son.

I can’t for the life of me understand how or why you were ok with ripping my family apart, and sending my entire world crashing down around me. I married Continue reading

 

Dear Frosty Floozy,

I don’t expect you to reply to this but it’s a part of my attempt at healing. I know how much in denial you are about the whole situation for reasons I don’t know. Maybe you’re ashamed, feel guilty or its to save face but the fact remains I KNOW what you and my husband did. No woman texts someone else’s husband “we need to talk”. No woman calls someone else’s husband since I heard you on speaker phone and says “It’s no ones business what we did.”

Well as his wife it is my business and it is your workplace’s Continue reading