I Broke Him. . .

Click To Read Our Full Story – 26 Years 

The past few days have been emotionally draining for me.  He just can’t seem to get over it.  Of course, I know this is all brand new to him. I came back after 10 years, with a child, after leaving him for dead in prison without even so much as a “goodbye” or an “I just can’t do this anymore”.  We don’t necessarily argue, but he vents, tells me how he feels and he’s broken down twice.  This makes me feel horrible, and I deserve to feel horrible for what I did to him.  I will never be able to fully understand what I put him through, just like he will never be able to understand what he put me through.  I was young, I was too naive, I couldn’t deal with his life in prison.  He tells me I didn’t love him, because if I loved him I could never do what I did to him.  I get it, I do. . .one would think I didn’t love him, but I will NOT allow anyone to tell me how I felt.  Because NO ONE knows how I felt.  No one knows how difficult it was for me to leave.  I have had my share of Karma, my ex broke me down. . .made me question everything about myself.  I had never felt so trapped in my life. . .it wasn’t just me, I had a family to consider.

I am in love with Jeff.  He has always been the one.  I thought about him constantly.  He literally haunted me.  I was going to post about it, the visions, when he was sitting by my side after my father died at the Cheeca Lodge, I actually have a full blog post about this, but even I knew it sounded crazy.  I sent one of my readers the blog post and although she didn’t come out and say it, I knew what she was thinking.  She told me, “you’re tired, you can edit it in the morning.”  But this is not how I write.  I do not edit, I do not change, what I feel is what I post.  I opted against sharing the “crazy post”, because even though it was so real for me, I didn’t think anyone else would be able to understand. . .Perhaps I am just crazy, I don’t know.  I just don’t know what to do at this point.   Continue reading “I Broke Him. . .”

 

Left For Dead. . . (Part 3 – 26 Years)

This is part 3. Here is Part 1 & Part 2

I was on my way to work when I emptied the mailbox.  He sent me 2 letters.  I was running late and had to get into my office.  I called my best friend on the drive in and just panicked.  She asked me what they said, and I said I didn’t know, I hadn’t opened them yet!  I knew I was going to open the one with the oldest date stamp first, but I was beyond nervous.  Oh, how my phone was ringing that morning in my office!  I was the only one working and just wanted a few minutes of peace and quiet so I could read the letters.  My stomach was churning, my hands were sweating, I was beyond afraid. . .Once it finally slowed down, I opened the 1st letter. . .

 

Letter #1

You have caught me at a loss for words and this is rare.  I don’t know how I feel because you fucked me up.  You’re the only woman I have loved in my life.  You don’t need to tell me how long it has been, because I’ve thought about you every day.  It’s nice to hear you moved on, because I never did.  You’re right, you don’t have a good reason for what you did because I was head over heels in love with you and you were getting on with your life.  You left me for dead like everyone else in my life.  I can understand that you wanted a man who was home, but I have always had to ask myself what’s wrong with me that I’m the only person who cares about Jeff.  It’s easier to think of me the way you remember someone who has passed away.  You claimed I saved you at a time where you thought you couldn’t be saved.  It’s funny the way you repaid me.

I’m sorry to hear about your father.  I lost grandma and you know how I felt about her.  My life is fucked up because after you abandoned me, I went crazy and I really hoped I would get killed behind these walls.  I don’t know if this letter makes any kind of sense, because on one hand I love you more than you will ever know, but on the other hand I want to spit in your face because you were supposed to love me for the rest of my life.  I don’t know what I am supposed to say to you, you didn’t even care about me enough to pay me the respect of coming to tell me face to face.  I understand more than you think because I understand this life of mine is fucked up.  I want to hear from you, I would never shut you out because I’m not you, but you are not forgiven.  I don’t know what you want from me.  I have shit going on because I’m trying to set up my life because once I get out of prison, I’m not coming back.  I just finished writing a book, “from handguns to paint brushes; how art changed my life”.  I am really good at painting and drawing now.  I was in two different college programs, but I keep getting kicked out of these prisons.  Right now I am in ad-seg because I told them I was done and they sent the hit squad at me 3 different times and couldn’t get the job done.  I ended up hurting them each time. I am not about to have shit go down like when I was “hit” in Greenhaven.  I’m just tired of all of this shit, I want to go home.  I have now spent more time in prison than I have free.  I almost married a girl I hated just because I was tired of being alone.   Continue reading “Left For Dead. . . (Part 3 – 26 Years)”

 

I Still Love Him. . .

I know the title of this posting has most of you wanting to smash your heads against the wall. . .maybe some of you are screaming at your computers, “she is just so damn stupid”, but. . .I speak the truth.  I love him, I don’t think I am in love with him but there is a piece of me who misses him.

Last week I lashed out at him via text message.  I was enraged and just pissed off.  I was having one of those days where everything was pissing me off.  My life has completely changed.  I went from being the SAHM who just was all about her family, all about her home, to the working mom who now never sees her family and is only home to sleep.  I have faced a lot of changes in the past year, some good and some bad.  But I have my bad days.  Fortunately, I find more of my days to be good, but. . .when the bad ones come, they hit me like a ton of bricks.

We still have a joint cell phone account, and curiosity does get the best of me.  A few weeks ago, I noticed the dirty Dundalk whore called him on his real phone.  Now granted, we have been over for months, but she still is not allowed to call him on his real phone.  He has a pre-paid phone he speaks to her on.  Why I have no idea, but. . .he still likes to deny her.  I don’t know why, we aren’t even together, but this is what he does.  He still feels the need to lie to me.  So he sent me a message about paying the phone bill and I went on to pay and saw her number in his call log.  It was only once, an incoming call for two minutes, but I went wild.  I text him and went the fuck off.   Continue reading “I Still Love Him. . .”

 

It’s Over, It’s Really, Really, Over. . .

So much has happened, I am moving on.  It is over, it is really, really over.  Although I knew it was over a long time ago, what has occurred in the past few weeks just solidified this for me.  There are no more distant what if’s, I am done.  I will not lie and say I do not still love him, because I do, but I have such a deep hatred towards him.  He is irreversibly broken, and I just can’t do it anymore. . . At the end of the day, all he cares about is himself.  He is a narcissistic sociopath and he will never change.  I have finally accepted this.

I am dating and just speaking to people.  This is so different for me.  I do not know how to do this. I was so closed off.  I never had a social life, never went out with friends.  To be honest, I only have 3 people in my life I would truly consider friends.  I don’t trust many people so it is difficult for me to let people in.  I have built a wall up, I don’t trust anyone and I am now beginning to realize, this will just hurt me in the future.

I have a new friend.  He is sweet and very attractive and he makes me smile.  I guess we are dating, to be honest, I don’t even know how to do this anymore.  We talk every day and text throughout the day.  He brings me coffee at my office and we just speak about life.  We speak of my ex often, Continue reading “It’s Over, It’s Really, Really, Over. . .”

 

The Single Life. . .

I am single.  I know I have been single for quite some time now, but the thought of this, still sends shock-waves throughout my body.  I am single, there is no loner an us or a we, it is now just me.  I have been taken for such a long time, I don’t know how to be single.  I don’t know how to be “just me”.

I have previously blogged about “the year”, the one year I am giving my ex to get his life together, to get all of the cheating out of his system, and for me to just focus on my business and give him his time.  But realistically, I know this will never work.  I couldn’t trust him when he was home, when I saw him daily and was able to monitor what he was doing.  I can’t fathom taking him back in a year, welcoming him back into our home and just trusting him.  It will have been too long, there will have been too many women, too many loose ends, and just too much shit to deal with.  I already knew this would never work, but I still held on to hope.  Maybe, just maybe he will come home a changed man.  But see, my mind already knows.  So yes, to all of you who just couldn’t understand why I held on for so damn long, it is over.  I know it is over, or as over as it can be. . . But for it to be 100% over for me, I have to move on. . .by moving on, this involves speaking with another man and perhaps dating.  The thought still Continue reading “The Single Life. . .”

 

I Hate Him. . .

***Warning, I will probably drop the F-bomb and this whole post will probably be very abrasive***

He is a liar, he can’t tell the truth. . .I am so tired of his lies and his shit. . .

I fucking hate him.  When I tell you I hate him, I fucking hate him.  I just can’t fucking stand him.  I do not want to deal with him anymore.  I am not answering his calls, and he will be lucky if I let him speak to his son.  I know this is not right, but right now, I don’t give a shit.  If my son requests to speak with him, I will let him call him. . .but I am not going to mention anything.  When he calls, he is getting the ignore button.  To be honest, he is lucky I don’t block his sorry ass.

His priorities are completely out of whack, and I am so tired of dealing with his selfish choices, decisions and actions. I am tired.  Just done.

We had a big blow up the other day and I lost it.  I often wonder what planet this man lives on. He is delusional.  He actually thinks he is a good person.  This is very scary to me.  He is not a good person.   Continue reading “I Hate Him. . .”

 

Escape. . .

I have thrown myself into work.  This is how I escape. . .escape from my problems, escape from the reality that this is now my life. . .For the past few weeks I have averaged around 95 hours per week in my office.  I am busy, very busy, too busy to worry about whatever it is he may be doing.  I am focused on my business and my financial future.  I am now a single mother.  I have been left with all of the responsibilities.  I have to be the one to make sure our bills are paid and we are ok.  He is no longer responsible due to him no longer residing in our home.  Or at least this is the way he sees it. . . Everything is now all on me.   Thankfully, I have been very fortunate.  My business started booming immediately.  Due to this, I am very overwhelmed.  I am trying to juggle being a mom and a business owner, but am finding this very difficult.  I know in the long run this will all be worth it, but for now, I am stressed.  At first, I was angry with him, I was so damn angry. . . but, I am no longer angry.  If it wasn’t for him being so selfish, if it wasn’t for him being such a dirty cheater, if it wasn’t for him being a man who cared about himself more than his family, I wouldn’t have had this amazing sense of independence.  I no longer need him.  For the past year or so, I needed him.  He was the breadwinner, he was the sole supporter of our family.  I no longer contributed financially after selling the website.  All the responsibility was on him.  To be honest, this was the only time in 11 years I did get to step back and take a breath.  I have always worked.  But I was able to stay at home for a year and it was wonderful.  I sometimes wonder if the reason everything went south was due to his inability to handle the responsibility of solely caring for his family.  I guess I will never know.  This would require honesty from him, and honesty is such a foreign concept to my ex. . .but my gut tells me yes and my gut is usually always right.  I truly believe he just couldn’t handle the responsibility. Continue reading “Escape. . .”

 

Anger & Resentment. . .

I guess he has always been a loser, but now I finally see. . .The rose-colored glasses I have worn for years, have been removed.  The dream world I have lived in, has finally begun to dissipate.  Reality has hit me like a ton of bricks, and I just continue to wonder how such a smart girl, could have been so damn stupid.

I thought he adored his family, adored his little boy.  I thought wrong.  I know he loves him, but he only loves him in the only way he is capable of loving.  He is selfish to the core and I just can’t fucking stand him.  I know many of you will probably despise me for feeling this, but at this current moment. . .at 12:17am, July 4th 2016, I am thinking of how he is worth more to me dead than alive. . .I hate him.  I want him to suffer.  I want to destroy him.  I can’t deal with him, but I have to!  There is NO POSSIBLE way to make a clean break.  I have to speak to him, I have to see him. . .there is no way to avoid this.

I asked him Friday to take my younger son this weekend.  Not overnight, but Saturday and Sunday.  His nanny is away for the holiday weekend and I was stuck.  This idiot had the audacity to say Continue reading “Anger & Resentment. . .”

 

Zero To One Hundred. . .

I don’t even know why I continue to entertain him.  We are DONE, we are over. . .but it can’t truly be a clean break because there are children involved.  We speak almost daily -some days more than others.  There are times where we have great conversations and get along, but then there are times we argue.  I do not want to argue with him.  It is emotionally draining, and I am already too drained, physically, emotionally and mentally.

He knows exactly what buttons to push, he knows just what to say to set me off.  My ex is a non-confrontational man. He is not one to argue but is one to despise anyone who questions him.   He doesn’t think he should have to answer to anyone. But lately, it seems as though he wants to argue with me.  Well, let me rephrase this, he wants me to argue with him.  We can be having a completely normal conversation and then out of nowhere, he says something stupid and I go from 0-100.  And he has the AUDACITY to make me out to be the crazy one.  He is this good!   Continue reading “Zero To One Hundred. . .”

 

The Life I Once Knew. . .

I feel like I have been robbed.  The life I once knew, is gone. . .the future I once hoped for, has disappeared. . .  It is not fair.  This is not the life I was supposed to live.  I was supposed to have my happy ending.   I put in too many years, went through too many heart breaks, and I gave up so much!  I gave up the happy ending I was couldn’t have for the happy ending I could actually have.  It was possible, he was here, physically here. . . all because he didn’t know how to be faithful, or perhaps, maybe, he just didn’t know how to cheat.  I mean they do say “what you don’t know won’t hurt you.”  He wasn’t a good cheater.  I always knew, and it always killed me.

Father’s Day was a difficult day.  This was the 1st Father’s Day since the unexpected death of my father.  This was also the first holiday since our separation.  It was very different, and not in a good way.   I understand this day is not my day, it was “his day”, but in a way, it used to be my day too.  I was the one who always made Father’s Day special for him.  I was the one who always made a big deal, and hosted great bbq’s with friends and family.  I don’t think he ever truly appreciated all I would do, before.  I wonder if he realized how different this was?  All of these special days will now be different.  Birthdays, Christmas, etc.  They won’t feel the same for me and the kids, and they sure as hell won’t feel the same for him.  Everything about my life is different.   Continue reading “The Life I Once Knew. . .”