If you read 26 Years, you knew Jeff and I were supposed to get married. Due to his current ticket, we were not allowed to get married this month. Yes, it was supposed to be this month. This has been difficult for the both of us. I know it technically doesn’t really change a lot, but I was just ready to become Mrs. Deleyer. After all, I have been ready to become Mrs. Deleyer since I was 14 yrs old!
I was outside with my best friend Michelle in the commons area of our High School. This was the area where all the kids would hang out and smoke cigarettes during lunch breaks and between classes. I will never forget the first time I saw him as he walked through the doors to the commons areas and the feeling I felt. I looked over at Michelle and said; “Oh my god, I am going to marry that boy”. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined it would end up being in a New York State Maximum Security Prison. . . I don’t know why this is how our lives played out and I am not sure I will ever understand. But for some reason, this is the path we have had to take.
He is going crazy being locked down and not being able to see or speak to me. He is also very upset this ticket affected us getting married. I try to keep him busy. I write daily and I have now started assigning him homework to do. I send him a list of questions, deep questions that he must answer. I answer the same questions for him as well. I just received the answers back from a list of questions Continue reading “Mrs. Deleyer Delayed. . .”
Jeff received a ticket for a dirty urine a few weeks ago. This is the second one he has received since he has been in this prison. The first time he lost his visits for a year and all of his privileges, phone included for nine months. They kept him on Keeplock status in prison. This means he was confined to his cell for 9 months. While on keeplock status you’re unable to order commissary and he was unable to order any of his art supplies to paint. His time ended a few weeks before I first made contact with him again.
He has been doing so well the past two years. Due to this ticket, he was unable to put in a transfer request. He had to wait 9 months for his classification to drop and then he would be able to see if he would be able to get back to Eastern Correctional Facility. In Eastern, he was enrolled in the Bard Prison College Program. Hundreds of men apply yearly, but only 15 make it. Jeff was one of the 15 who made it. We were also supposed to get married this March, but he received another “dirty urine”. This would be understandable if his urine was dirty, but it wasn’t. This is the same guard again, who just doesn’t like him. He went for his hearing and was served another year loss of visits and 9 months keeeplock. He fought his case during his hearing with all of his evidence, but ironically, the hearing officer is the guards wife and he lost. He has appealed and a service called PLS (Prison Legal Services) a pro-bono firm picked up his case. This doesn’t happen often and in order to pick up a case, they have to believe there is wrong doing. Obviously, they see this and they have signed on to assist him in fighting this ticket. Due to this ticket we are now unable to get married and he is not able to speak to me daily. This is causing him to go crazy in his cell and his mind is all over the place.
Two of Jeff’s Paintings
After he received the ticket I contacted Albany and informed them of the situation. I was irate on the phone and spoke to the IG department. They had initially investigated an incident that occurred with him when he arrived at this prison. Jeff had nothing to do with this incident. This is an excerpt detailing the incident from Jeff’s book:
“Auburn is the second oldest prison in the United States and it is the oldest prison that still houses inmates. Auburn is also the most violent prison in New York State. The presence of death can be felt as soon as you enter the prison. I had gone from the least violent place to the most and it was time to readjust. I am a survivor and I do what I have to do. I was trying to change for the better, yet I was caught between the old me, Dutch the Gangster and the man I wanted to be, Dutch the artist. I was conflicted because I was questioning if I could be more than a Gangster. After all, the woman who was supposed to love me since she was 14 years old, didn’t believe in me. People loved my paintings but I couldn’t sell my work due to being in prison. When I tried to do right, no one helped me, but if I was scheming on illegal money, people believed in my plans and helped. This fact made me question if I was just meant to be nothing more than I was. It’s hard to believe in yourself when no one else does, but at this time I was so passionate about art, I had to work. Art allowed me to have a voice through my visual images. Continue reading “I Fear They’re Going To Kill Him. . . Update On Jeff. . .”
For those of you who have followed my journey with Jeff, you probably remember me speaking of the book he wrote; “From Handguns to Paintbrushes” On our first visit, he sent the book home with me. It was a book he had written in black and white marble notebooks. I don’t know why I questioned his ability to write a book, but I did. I didn’t think he would be able to do it, but he did it.
The day after our visit I was in my office and the phones were slow so I decided to start reading his book. I knew it was a story about his life, but I was in no way prepared for what I was about to read. We had discussed me reading it, typing it in manuscript format and then trying to find a publisher who would publish it. I figured it would be best to read the book first, and then type it. After an hour of reading, I left my office angry and devastated. At this time the jail went on lock down and I was unable to speak with him. Once I arrived home I spent hours reading until I was finished. Do you know the feeling you get when you find out your husband/boyfriend is cheating on you? This was the feeling. I was so angry with him, wondering how he would even for 5 minutes put this book in my hands. In his eyes, was this payback for what I put him through? I couldn’t deal with it and not being able to speak with him set me off into a rage. I wrote him a VERY detailed letter in an attempt to hurt him and without thinking, sent it overnight. Once I calmed down, I realized there was no way he Continue reading “His Book Devastated Me. . .”
I don’t know if you would call our love normal. Some may even say our love is not healthy, or he loves me in a crazy obsessive way. . .but I have come to realize, we are the only two people who need to understand us. The way this man makes me feel is amazing. Just hearing his voice instantly relaxes me, my eyes close and I exhale. He loves me, to death. I believe he would do anything in the world for me and I also believe he would never cheat on me. This is coming from the mouth of a woman who created the SAHW Website, the woman who believes most men in the world can’t be faithful. But he is just different. He loves me in a way, I am not too sure many people have experienced. We are just different. We have always been different.
He called me this morning and asked me if I watched the video yet. He has been begging me to watch this video for days and I just forgot. So when he was on the phone today, I grabbed my laptop and watched this video for him. It’s now 16 hours later, and I am still thinking about this song and us. He saw it and it reminded him of us. A story of a girl and guy who were in love. They were crazy about each other and the video flashes back to show them as young kids. Ironically, the guy has blonde hair and the girl is a tan skinned dark-haired girl. Yeah, it reminded me of us too, especially some of the lyrics and the guy who can’t seem to stay out of trouble. This song took me back to when we were kids.
I don’t remember everything about high school, but when he speaks to me about things we did, I remember like it was yesterday. Today we took a trip down memory lane.
When we were in high school, raves became very popular. A whole bunch of kids would be in a warehouse and techno music would be blaring. If you went to a rave, you were high. Most of the kids at raves were high off of ecstasy pills or angel dust. I was never really fond of techno music, but I would go to the raves just to be with him. Everyone we were with would always be high, but not me. Continue reading “A Trip Down Memory Lane. . .”
To Read Our 6 Part Story, 26 Years, Click Here
I hardly slept the night before. All I could do was think of Joy. Ten years had passed since I last saw her and the truth of what had happened was harder to deal with than anything else, but this visit would either wash away the past or kill our future. I knew I loved her but would our love be enough this time? I needed to see her to know if my memories of how she used to make me feel were real or what I wanted to remember.
In the morning I was trying to get ready and focus my mind. She had kept telling me she got old and fat, but with her it has always been hard to tell what is fact and what is her imagination. She has always had a distorted body image and she had battled with a horrible eating disorder for many years. I love her so much, but I was ready for anything. I needed her to feel beautiful no matter what the situation was. She kept telling me no matter what I did she would think I thought she was fat and old. This was a lot of pressure because I love this woman, and I didn’t want to cause her any pain.
The visits start at 9am and when I last talked to her, she was driving to NY the night before. When I woke up there was snow on the ground and it was coming down hard. Joy told me the hotel she was going to stay at was 11 miles away. I figured her SUV would make it, I was just hoping she wasn’t catching cold feet. I was showered and ready, but time felt like it was at a stand still. When 10 am rolled around I heard the officer’s jingling keys downstairs and I was about to beg him for an emergency call when he called up to me; “Deleyer, on the visit”. My nerves washed away and I was overjoyed. It was finally time to see my princess. I had packed up a few things I was planning on sending home with her. I had 3 paintings, 3 marble notebooks that contained my book and a little purple bear I had a guy in here make for her. I grabbed my bag and was on my way.
I walked into the visiting room and I saw her right away. Yes, she had put on some weight but Continue reading “My Visit With My Princess. . .”
Click To Read Our Full Story – 26 Years
I was supposed to go and see Jeff next Tuesday, the 7th. I had everything scheduled and set to go, but I woke up yesterday morning and something inside of me said you need to go now. I don’t know why, but I felt as though I had to go. I spent my day yesterday running around doing everything I needed to do in order to leave. I arrived home, packed my suitcase, settled the kids and left around 8:30pm.
I speak with Jeff twice a day. Yesterday morning he called and I told him I was coming. Oh my goodness, he was beyond excited! Of course, I was nervous. I am not the same woman I once was, I am 65lbs bigger. We haven’t seen each other in 10 years, and I abandoned him without so much as a word. I was nervous, afraid of him seeing me, what it could do to him. I thought it may have the reverse effect on him, maybe it would trigger him. I don’t know. The thought of this had my stomach in knots.
I arrived in Corning NY at 2am. I was beyond exhausted. I checked into the hotel and fell asleep almost immediately. I woke up around 7 am and started to get ready, and checked out of the hotel about 90 minutes later. It was snowing outside and just nasty and windy. I packed my suitcase and drove off. I stopped at a Target on the way to grab an umbrella and made my way to the prison. Once I arrived I had this sinking feeling. I can’t explain to you how entering a prison makes you feel. I have always hated this. I hate everything about prison. Most of the correctional officers have a nasty attitude and attempt to talk down to you, it just isn’t a pleasant experience.
I had never been to this prison before. Jeff has now been in every single Maximum Security Prison in the state of NY, some of them twice. But Elmira Correctional Facility Continue reading “10 Years Lost. . .My Visit With Jeff”
Click To Read Our Full Story – 26 Years
The past few days have been emotionally draining for me. He just can’t seem to get over it. Of course, I know this is all brand new to him. I came back after 10 years, with a child, after leaving him for dead in prison without even so much as a “goodbye” or an “I just can’t do this anymore”. We don’t necessarily argue, but he vents, tells me how he feels and he’s broken down twice. This makes me feel horrible, and I deserve to feel horrible for what I did to him. I will never be able to fully understand what I put him through, just like he will never be able to understand what he put me through. I was young, I was too naive, I couldn’t deal with his life in prison. He tells me I didn’t love him, because if I loved him I could never do what I did to him. I get it, I do. . .one would think I didn’t love him, but I will NOT allow anyone to tell me how I felt. Because NO ONE knows how I felt. No one knows how difficult it was for me to leave. I have had my share of Karma, my ex broke me down. . .made me question everything about myself. I had never felt so trapped in my life. . .it wasn’t just me, I had a family to consider.
I am in love with Jeff. He has always been the one. I thought about him constantly. He literally haunted me. I was going to post about it, the visions, when he was sitting by my side after my father died at the Cheeca Lodge, I actually have a full blog post about this, but even I knew it sounded crazy. I sent one of my readers the blog post and although she didn’t come out and say it, I knew what she was thinking. She told me, “you’re tired, you can edit it in the morning.” But this is not how I write. I do not edit, I do not change, what I feel is what I post. I opted against sharing the “crazy post”, because even though it was so real for me, I didn’t think anyone else would be able to understand. . .Perhaps I am just crazy, I don’t know. I just don’t know what to do at this point. Continue reading “I Broke Him. . .”
“This is Part 1, Parts 2-6 are linked at the bottom of this post. Part 6 is Jeff’s version of our story. He wrote the last installment”
I fell in love when I was a little girl. Well, not really little, but I was young and naïve, 14 years old, just entering high school when I met him. His blonde hair captivated me and I was instantly smitten by his million dollar smile. I will never forget the first time he smiled at me, the way he looked down and the blonde hair would fall over his eyes. He used to toss his head back, and his hair would move from his face. I remember this like it was yesterday.
Jeff was a typical “bad boy”. Never interested in going to class and looked for every excuse under the sun to leave school so he could go surfing. I was for the most part a good girl, but when I had the chance to cut class and go watch him surf one day, I did. I will never forget that day. I didn’t know back then, but this day would’ve been the 1st day of the rest of my life. We grew very close. He came from money, his family trained horses, but he had a horrific childhood. He latched on to me and my mother who ironically, adored him, even though she knew he was trouble. I think she saw the real him, he was such a great kid, but had a messed-up life and severe abandonment issues. Continue reading “26 Years. . .”