I used to go by “anonymous”, then I grew into “anonymous no more” on a Betrayed Wives Club website. Now I am ME, Cyndie Bryant. How did it get to here?
On the last day of September 2016, I looked at my husband’s tablet and saw these words, “I Miss you Mark,” “I Miss you too Sharon,” “I Love you Mark,” “I love you too Sharon.”
Well, since my name is Cyndie I knew this wasn’t me! (Sarcasm -101). My husband of 20 years, had been having a three-year affair (oops, she wrote that in one of her messenger tests herself) with another women. Another ALSO married women. Three years ago, I caught him having an emotional affair, or on-line affair as he called it with this same women. He and she were texting each other, first on Facebooks messenger (she sent him a late night text that said, “I’m back”. I asked him where she had been!) He claimed it was simple flirting, he’d stop immediately. Then a few months later, there she was again, this time on the cell phone I bought him as a surprise birthday gift (it took me a few months to “catch on”). His son worked with him at the time and was teasing him about who he was texting so much….of course, he was told “Cyndie, who else”? Texting back and forth 1700 times in July, 2000 times in August…..and it went on and upwards until I caught them in January by seeing the phone bill (yes, I have the originals). He tried to lie, saying it was some male friend of his that liked to send porn back and forth. Well, it was a “friend” all right, her name was S Sinclair. I finally dragged it out of him and verified that it was her cell phone.
He said he’d stop immediately, that she meant absolutely nothing to him. He was just depressed about his job, his new boss, my success, noise in the home from children, dogs, etc. He told me how much he loved me and even though I said to him, “go, leave, and be with her”. He refused. He begged me to understand it was all depression and he’d never do anything like that again. He’d never have a sexual relationship, because he just couldn’t see himself doing that. It was just “texting”. What were the texts? She told him how depressing her marriage was, how abusive her husband was, how she couldn’t keep a job, her kids problems, yada, yada. My husband told her he hated his job, his new boss. He was jealous of me and my success in my job. Because he was depressed, he hated that I was happy. He told her that when I shared my accomplishments with him, and our family, it made him insecure and I caused him to feel bad about himself.
During this time, I had a total knee replacement. Looking at the dates of the texting, I realized the entire time in surgery, in the hospital, in recovery, he was texting her. Two months later I developed a DVT which lead to a pulmonary embolism and required hospitalization. Guess what he was doing, while I was in the ER and getting the tests done. Texting her. He or she, one of them, found an app called TALK that they installed on their wireless devices to keep her husband and myself from finding out they were still in communication.
Well, here we are, in June 2017 it will be three full years. Did I ever trust him? Yes, I would never have thought before the 17 year mark, my Mark, Markie, would ever deceive me. That he was not like a “cheater”…. but after that first time, I forgave him, it was after all, innocent flirting on Facebook. The second time in January, he swore it was nothing, he swore it was only texting. I forgave him. However, I would look over his shoulder to make sure he really was playing a game. I would grab his phone and see if her number was on it. I checked the phone bill. Nothing. He was clever enough to erase everything as soon as he read it. BUT, not as cleaver as he thought. Did I know about a stupid APP named TALK? No, I hadn’t heard of it. However, I kept getting that gut feeling. Every time he was mean for no reason, every time he’d say something so out of character for him. I could feel that gut instinct, I’d ask him what he was doing for hours in the bathroom, or on his computer with the screen turned towards him only. He would claim he was playing an online game, either candy crush or bubble witch. Well, candy crush is what started it on Facebook. I sent him a joke that said he needed to go to candy crush rehab, she commented on it, he replied, “will you come visit me”, and that was all she needed.
Of course, with the cheating came the lying and the wife/husband bashing began. The excuses to not do anything around the house, to not keep up the maintenance, to accuse me of nagging anytime I asked him to do anything. I became their monster. He would tell her how horrible a wife I was, and she would reply back that she would never treat him that way. He would tell her that I showed him some accomplishment I had done at my job, she would tell him how terrible I was for rubbing my success in his face. I couldn’t do anything right. I was always interrupting him, I was never listening to him, and I was evil personified. Which of course, he was relaying to her, and she was replying back how awful I was, how she would never think of him like that. How wonderful he was to put up with such a nagging, witch, well the actual words were a little more detrimental to my feelings.
It was like reading a how to book on “get the husband to fall in love with you and out of love with their monster of a wife”. Everything I did badly, she did well. Everything I said wrong, she said right. Wow, I didn’t like the person they talked about, not to mention her husband, but hey, that is NOT my story. Reading their texts, was very hard. I was the evil monster in their life. I was the most horrible wife on the planet. Sharon’s husband, who I have never met, never spoken with, just making that clear. According to her texts, He was the evil monster and villain in her life. If only she could leave him, if only I’d (yes, he wanted me to find out because he couldn’t leave on his own, he wanted me to) leave him. She felt sympathy for Mark due to how terrible I treated him and she only built him up. He felt worried for her miserable and dangerous marriage and her horrible monster of a husband. He told her how sweet she was and he’d take good care of her because she would appreciate him like his own wife could never do.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I was “that wife” the one who could do nothing right and couldn’t appreciate him, at least according to them. On September 30, 2016, I found out the “emotional affair” had turned into a full on sexual affair. But, guess what happened this time. Instead of wanting to work things out with the wife of 20 years, the mother of his children, all he could say to me was, “you’ll never trust me again, don’t do anything legal, I don’t know what I want”. I simply looked at him and thought to myself. “Girl, you are better than this, you are smarter than this, your children deserve more than this.” I moved out of the marital home as soon as I could find a place to rent. Just before I found out, she had left her “horrible” husband, moved out of their home, rented a place down the road (a rather secluded place in our town), and he and she were in their bliss with their love. Their sex was majestic. Their love was perfect, their sexual escapades were heavenly. Orgasmic couldn’t describe the incredible orgasms! They were in the most magical love affair of the century.
I had it in her own writing. She was jealous of me and worried that he and I “as his wife” were still having sex. He “assured” her, kind of, by writing back, “I don’t remember the exact date, but not since you and I”. And she replied with her little doe eyed Facebook picture, “Almost three years ”. Um, no. But thanks, Boom, Got ya!
I moved out on October 9th, almost immediately he started sneaking down every other night to her little rented home with her. Slowly of course, she would text him not to call her, because her mom and dad were coming down there to see her, and she wouldn’t be able to explain why a married man was calling her, texting her, bringing her wild flowers he picked in a field. Lied to his mom also, that’s a “whole nother” story that I am not getting into. At first he went back to our house before morning as he pretended to not be having the affair for a while. When our daughter was not at the home, he’d wait till dark, and sneak down there. After a while, he gave up the pretense. I guess by saying he is living there, I mean, he dresses, showers, sleeps, eats, puts his feet up on the recliner and warms his tootsies on the wood stove, pets the cats, which he never ever liked before, did I mention sleeps, ah hem, has sex there. Even now, well, it IS against the law in Virginia to have an affair, he still claims to live at our house, however, he only goes there in the mornings to feed the dogs. He leaves her house, goes to ours, goes to work, goes back to our house to clean up any inside dog mess, then goes home to her. They are now “soul mates, love of their lives”. What happens with her husband is none of my “affair”. I really don’t have an opinion on her or on their situation.
I am 54 years old. I now am going through the “D” word. I have my own place. I am taking courses in blogging, writing, journaling, and have down loaded all the self-help books I could find. Is this just a mid-life affair? Was this an “exit affair”? Don’t ask how many types there are….just believe me, there is one for each situation. Most of the websites are all about, “How to win him back from the other women”, or Join now, and we guarantee the spineless jerk will realize you are the perfect women and come rushing back, throwing that home wreaking Jezebel to the curb where she came from, or even better. Let Go, Let God. 12 steps to your new love life.
YES, God is a HUGE part of rebuilding my life. HE is the one who has given me the courage and the drive to begin this journey. He alone has dried my tears and shown me where to go to find the real answers. The Christian answers. Forgiveness for myself first, so that I can forgive (nope, not there yet) them. Not the 54.99 a book/website/spiritual advisor/guru. But the God-given heart, talents, love for self and love for others answers to move forward and take control of MY life. To find the positive and begin the journey of awakening to who I really am, and who I want to be, and where I (with his guidance) will end up. I have a good start. I fixed up my credit, I have a successful career. I am able to provide for myself and our youngest child who is a full-time college student living with me and I alone am footing her tuition. I have good friends. I have amazing children and amazing grandchildren. I have a great support network. I also have the best attorney in the area! I am on a journey to look deep inside and learn to respond with grace and dignity, and My Own Truth. This is my journey, these are my thoughts and my research.
Here comes the hype….just pretend this is the internet search…. If this helps ANYONE who feels their life has been sucked out of them, fear not, your life has just begun! If anyone feels they can’t start over, yes you can. If anyone feels they are at fault for the demise of their marriage, yes, you played a part (just remember, it takes TWO to make or break a marriage, and if there are THREE in the marriage? Well, you weren’t in the room, you weren’t in the bed with them. You CAN NOT cause a person to cheat, God gave man the ability to think freely, and no we women don’t have some sort of super power that can force our spouses into infidelity. Nope, despite what they might think, we can’t brainwash our children – think about it, if we could brainwash anyone ladies, wouldn’t we brainwash our spouses into NOT CHEATING and being the PERFECT MAN?) Small rant.
BUT, you can take your self-awareness to a new level. You can shut as well as open your own doors and windows. You can learn to appreciate that gut feeling. You can take any storm, and walk through the rain. We as women can do this together. And WE can take our new knowledge and our new behavior patterns into our current (doesn’t have to be with a significant other or spouse) and future relationships. We don’t survive, we prevail.