I Don’t Know What To Do. . .

A little back story. I’ve been married once before to a very honorable man who literally saved my life my giving up his during a natural disaster in our city. We tried to have children by doing EVERYTHING scientifically possible. After he passed, I met my current husband when he moved here to help clean up the city. It took me a while to get comfortable with the idea of dating him, but he was persistent. I finally agreed and our connection was very strong. We were great partners when it came to everyday living. We problem solved together without even talking, we had amazing chemistry in the bedroom. We went on a cruise together and that’s how we came home with a little stowaway. I was pregnant! I never thought I could have children, ever. We weren’t married, and I did not pressure him to stay. I actually looked him dead in the eye and said, “I will be an amazing single mom if you want out.” Instead of leaving which is what I partially expected, he grabbed my hand and told me he wasn’t going anywhere. So I looked to God and thanked him for sending me such a great man and for giving me the ability to create a child in my womb. We got married when our daughter was 18 months old and had our second daughter right before she turned 3. This is when things started getting weird.

He became distant, almost like he had a grudge against me. If I asked him to do a simple gesture for me he would purposely not do it because I asked. When I had our 2nd daughter he was there physically, but not with his heart. Now to the cheating incidents. Yep, that’s plural. About a month ago my husband had to talk to me because he needed to tell me to get tested for STD’s. He told me that it was a drunken one night stand with some girl he met at the river while I was out-of-town with our girls. He was hanging out with some people, then she offered to have them over to continue the party at her house. Only my husband, his friend, and her went. He couldn’t even remember her name, but knew she was a single mom and he went into the other room to sleep with her. We got tested and luckily we were both negative. As the days went on I kept finding out more and more. Both times while I was pregnant he would FB message an old girlfriend from his hometown and send dirty pictures. And after his one night stand with the River girl he started flirting with a girl at work. He friended her on FB he started sending her messages. In a sense he was grooming her for an affair. She was married with a child and pregnant with their second. They were having a remodel done in the building they work in and she found a secluded place for them to go and have their affair while on the clock. According to him, it happened twice. He said he immediately regretted it from the 1st time, but why did he do it again and again? He didn’t have an STD, but I think the guilt of his actions has a psychosomatic effect.

We started going to counseling and I thought I wanted to make things work, but as the days go by I start hating the situation more and more. My husband says he regrets everything and I honestly believe him. He is doing everything to try to make it up to me. He confronted the girl at work and told her that if she doesn’t tell her husband he would and she has requested a transfer. He has told me that he can’t see a life without me and is making a lot of sacrifices to reassure me that he loves me more than anything and he will NEVER do this again. He wants to try joining a church so he can have positive male influences in his life. Now here is the punch in the face. I found out the River girl is an active member at the church we started going to. The 1st time we attended I remember her coming up to me and shaking my hand welcoming me before I knew who she was. My husband doesn’t remember her being there, but I knew exactly who she was after I saw her picture on FB. I know we can pick a different place to attend, but she looked me in the eye standing next to my husband and shook my hand. She proclaims she is such a Christian and knew that my husband was married with babies at home and still slept with him, then shook my hand! AAHHH I’ve lost my home due to a natural disaster I was in, lost a husband at a young age, suffer from PTSD, have the baby blues with my second child, suffer from high functioning anxiety, and now this. The pain is unbearable. I have been to counseling and Dr’s about these issues, but I just wish my heart could be removed so I couldn’t feel anything. I can’t believe I went from a husband that gave his life to protect me to one that intentionally put me through so much pain and betrayal. When he is home I enjoy his company, the way he is with our children, and the man that he is trying to become. But then he tries to reach out and touch/hug me and I can’t help but to think, “Did he touch them like this?” and I recoil.

I’ve begged my husband to let us go because the thought of him being my husband makes me sick. He selfishly cheated on me multiple times, and that behavior is unacceptable to me. He keeps telling me that we can have a beautiful future together and that things will be better in the long run if we work through this. I honestly don’t know what to do.

 

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