The past few days have been emotionally draining for me. He just can’t seem to get over it. Of course, I know this is all brand new to him. I came back after 10 years, with a child, after leaving him for dead in prison without even so much as a “goodbye” or an “I just can’t do this anymore”. We don’t necessarily argue, but he vents, tells me how he feels and he’s broken down twice. This makes me feel horrible, and I deserve to feel horrible for what I did to him. I will never be able to fully understand what I put him through, just like he will never be able to understand what he put me through. I was young, I was too naive, I couldn’t deal with his life in prison. He tells me I didn’t love him, because if I loved him I could never do what I did to him. I get it, I do. . .one would think I didn’t love him, but I will NOT allow anyone to tell me how I felt. Because NO ONE knows how I felt. No one knows how difficult it was for me to leave. I have had my share of Karma, my ex broke me down. . .made me question everything about myself. I had never felt so trapped in my life. . .it wasn’t just me, I had a family to consider.
I am in love with Jeff. He has always been the one. I thought about him constantly. He literally haunted me. I was going to post about it, the visions, when he was sitting by my side after my father died at the Cheeca Lodge, I actually have a full blog post about this, but even I knew it sounded crazy. I sent one of my readers the blog post and although she didn’t come out and say it, I knew what she was thinking. She told me, “you’re tired, you can edit it in the morning.” But this is not how I write. I do not edit, I do not change, what I feel is what I post. I opted against sharing the “crazy post”, because even though it was so real for me, I didn’t think anyone else would be able to understand. . .Perhaps I am just crazy, I don’t know. I just don’t know what to do at this point.
Last night, I was going through old letters. I came across a letter he sent me 4 years after I left him. . .I read this and I just lost it. I fucking lost it. How could I do this to him? How could I leave him without a word? I was with him for almost 4 years when I left, but this man has held my heart since I was 14 years old! What kind of person would do this to someone they swear they love? If the roles were reversed, I would NEVER forgive him. I would NEVER be able to look at him again. I started to write him, telling him how sorry I was, how I didn’t deserve him. . .and at this very moment he called. I knew right away something was bothering him, just from hearing his voice. I asked him what was wrong and he lost it, again. He can’t understand how I did this to him, and how I just can’t let it go. I apparently keep bringing it up to him, trying to justify why I left. I can’t deal with how he tells me I didn’t love him. We went back and forth for an hour. He wants me to tell him I didn’t love him, but how can I tell him this when I did love him? I just couldn’t do it anymore. Everything that was happening with him in prison made me miserable and nervous. He was not exactly the model prisoner, and Jeff was never one to play by the rules. I couldn’t sit there and watch him die, so I left. But, we will never see eye to eye on this. What I did was wrong, but the truth is, there were reasons. . . I am in no way saying I handled it the right way, but I had my reasons.
I don’t even know if you even still live here, but it ain’t shit but 41 cents and a little of my time. I just want you to know not a day goes by, I don’t think about you. You know that you’re still the love of my life and I understand that the life I live is a lot to deal with. I just hope the man in your life treats you as you deserve. As for myself, I’m more or less on my own. You fucked me up because I had everything I needed and wanted in you, so I guess I’m just going to ride it out. I got my boys so I’ll be alright, plus my son who is like my brother just got home so he has been in my corner. But you know I’m lonely because even though I have a support group, I don’t have you. It’s like I lost half of my soul. This is the story of my life now. Do you see what I was telling you when you first came through? I’ve known my whole life that the only one I can count on is me. Not that you didn’t want to, but my life is too real. I’m not a husband, I am everything you don’t need. You have men that die in their beds, surrounded by loved ones. Me, I’m destined to die at the hands of violence and at this point, I am alright with this. The way shit works out is crazy. After you abandoned me I was fucked up, depressed, mad and confused but after the smoke cleared out of my mind, I had to be realistic and just be glad for the time I did get from you. And if I ever make it out of the pen, you can bet you’ll see me because one day you will have to look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t love me. And if god forbid I get killed in one of these yards, maybe I’ll be able to look into your soul and find the answers I need. Listen I’m going to keep this short, but if you choose you know how to find me. Stay up and stay safe.
The One And Only,
He tells me he loves me more than I love him and he is ok with this. I believe he is right. I love him so much, but he loves me in a way, a way I have never experienced before. He loves me in a way, I have never seen another person love anyone before. To be honest, I am not too sure his love for me is healthy. He would do anything in the world for me. . . People say this all the time but do not mean it. I know he means it. But he has a crazy side, I’ve always known this. . . He says he just needs time and he will get over this, but will he really be able to do this? I have been cheated on and I know how difficult it is to get over it. With my ex, I never had the opportunity to get over it. As soon as I found out about one and he cut her off, he would replace with another. . . To be honest, I never had a chance to see if I could forgive and move on. But this was my Karma, my Karma for what I did to Jeff. . .I know this, I knew it then.
I will never leave him again, I want to marry him and spend the rest of my life loving him. He has grown up so much and has made so many wonderful changes. But he is very broken, I did this. I am just not quite sure I can fix him. . .