I have been overweight for 10 years now. My weight has fluctuated from 130-230. I wish I could say it was due to having my youngest son, but the truth is, when I delivered him, I was 170 and I think I came home from the hospital at around 160. I didn’t gain a ton of weight while pregnant. Here is me 10 years ago. . . 130lbs-136lbs. These are the photos he looks at. . . I miss her. Back during this time, I thought I was a fat whale. . .
This one was for Jeff’s eyes only but. . .
In my 20’s and early 30’s I was a strict Vegetarian. I exercised at least 5 days a week for 2 hours a day. I have battled with Bulimia for over 20 years. I stopped throwing up regularly at 29, but stopped throwing up entirely at 35. What most people don’t understand about Bulimia is bulimics do not “lose weight” from throwing up, they maintain their weight. When I was younger, I was diagnosed with Body Dysmorphic Disorder. The medical definition of Body Dysmorphic Disorder is “a psychological disorder in which a person becomes obsessed with imaginary defects in their appearance.” Basically, you can’t really see what you look like when you look into a mirror. When I was thin, I thought I was fat, and when I got fat, I honestly believe I had no idea as to how fat I became.
As most of you know, my ex was a serial cheater. He cheated constantly and I believe this played a huge role in my weight gain. I was depressed because I was with a man, and had a child with a man who had no regard for my feelings. I was miserable for such a long time and regretted so many of my life choices. I spent nights wondering why I left the love of my life, a man who loved me but I just wasn’t able to deal with his situation. I was miserable and this caused me to care less about my personal appearance. So late at night while my ex was out cheating, I sat on the computer, ate m&m’s and oreo cookies and blogged about his infidelity.
Photo From One Of My Interviews 195lbs
I worked a lot, I owned a bail bonds company when my son was very little and then sold it to create the Shesahomewrecker.com website. When I started doing interviews for the website I was around 195. Everyone thought I was cheated on because I was “fat”, but truthfully, he cheated on me thin and beautiful!!! It didn’t matter to him! When spring time would roll around I would find some motivation and hit the gym. I would always lose 20lbs minimum, but once the fall and winter approached I was back to packing on the pounds. I hated my life and I was miserable. Don’t get me wrong, I found enjoyment in my kids and my home, but I was miserable in my relationship. I just didn’t care about myself. I was depressed.
My father got sick and died unexpectedly and this was a very difficult time for me. I was devastated and just continued to gain weight. This was a turning point for me though. I was tired of my life and wanted to make a change. A year ago I threw my ex out of the house and this was the best decision I have ever made. Although it was difficult in the beginning, I was finally free. I do not regret this decision and this decision will probably be remembered to me as one of the best decisions of my life.
As most of you already know, I reconnected with my ex, the only man I have ever truly loved and the man who has held my heart for 26 years. I started speaking to him again in the fall and just saw him for the first time in 10 years the end of January. I was so nervous to see him and for him to see the “new me”. The new me was double the person I used to be. I thought this was going to be a huge motivator for me. Jeff was well, vain. I thought I was going to give him a stroke when he saw me. I knew eventually I would see him, and had enough time to lose at least 20lbs, but I didn’t. I felt like he needed to see me. I felt like he needed to see life wasn’t happy for me for the past 10 years. So I developed a plan. I would see him and the look he would give me would send my fat ass running back to the gym. He would motivate me. The look he would give me when he first saw me, the initial look of shock would be all the motivation I needed. So I decided against losing weight before seeing him and said I will just start post visit. I was so nervous to see him and when it finally happened he gave me the biggest smile! I didn’t get the look of shock I so desperately needed, instead he was telling me I was absolutely gorgeous!?!?!?! Really? Yes, I know what most of you are thinking. If he really loves you size shouldn’t matter and all this but still! My only hope for motivation was lost. I honestly believe he is so in love with me he see’s what he wants. This is the man who can “close his eyes and see my face as a little girl and a grown woman, but he can’t remember most of the faces of the women he’s had sex with.” Also, I hurt him to the core and by this point, I think he is so happy I am back in his life he has just decided to take me as I come. And this is great, I mean it really is. . .but. . .
Here I am fat as ever at my friends party over 200lbs. I will weigh myself in the am tomorrow and post.
I am miserable! I am not comfortable in my own skin! I am so tired of not being able to be comfortable! It is not anyone else, it is me! I am so tired of yoga pants being the only thing I will wear. I used to love getting dressed up and wearing heels. I have not put on a pair of heels in a long time. Maybe 8 times in the past 10 years. I am not happy with my body and I want to make a change. This should be the only motivation I need, but this doesn’t seem to be the case with me. Do you know I refuse to send Jeff pictures because I just can’t photograph myself fat! I physically can’t do it. So he looks at our old photos. The person I once was. He has convinced himself “that is the girl who hurt him” and this is true, however, I liked that girl more. I miss her. She was so full of life, and just loved living life. That girl was Joy.
So I figured I needed inspiration and thought perhaps I could inspire someone else too. Of course I want to look better and feel better but I also want to be healthy. I am going to be 40 years old this year. I have to start taking my health seriously. So I am planning on eating right and going back to the gym and documenting my journey via this blog. My progress, my good days, my bad days and I will report my weight loss/gain weekly. This isn’t only about losing weight, this is about finding happiness.
I invite any of you to join me! I am going to officially start tomorrow, Monday March 13th 2017 but will be going to the grocery store today to start planning my meals out for the week. I know how to eat well, I know how to exercise, I know how to lose weight. . .the problem is doing it!
I would love to hear stories of other women who are trying to lose weight, who have lost weight or who want to lose weight!
Wish me luck!