I Will Always Be In Love With You. . . (Part 4-26 Years)

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3 

I couldn’t believe he was on the phone.  Oh my god, how I missed his voice.  My entire body was filled with butterflies, and I was beyond nervous.  I swear at this moment, memories just started flashing right before my eyes, the first time we locked eyes, the first time we kissed, us at the beach, the way he looked at me when I first went to see him in jail.  The love of my life, I could hear him, he was still here, he was still the man who loved me more than any man could dream of loving me. He was the one 26 years ago, and somehow he was still the one now. . .

They say when you’re young, you can’t possibly know what love is. They say puppy love isn’t real love.  I recall my mother telling me, one day when I become an adult, I wouldn’t even remember his name.  Obviously, she was wrong.  I tried for years to forget him, but was never able to.  And now he was back, on the phone speaking to me. . .my heart was pounding and I realized I was still so head over heels in love with this man!

My business was funny to him, he asked all sorts of questions.  I mean, I am in Bail bonds, which is probably the last business anyone who ever knew me would ever think I would end up building a career in.  Bail Bonds is a very male dominated industry, especially in Maryland.  But to be honest, I believe everything that happened in my life had a purpose.  I didn’t understand jail and prison.  However, being in the industry I was in gave me a strong understanding of how prison was, and it truly opened my eyes.  Bail bonds in a way, stripped me of my innocence.  I was no longer naive and was now extremely street smart.   Continue reading “I Will Always Be In Love With You. . . (Part 4-26 Years)”

 

Left For Dead. . . (Part 3 – 26 Years)

This is part 3. Here is Part 1 & Part 2

I was on my way to work when I emptied the mailbox.  He sent me 2 letters.  I was running late and had to get into my office.  I called my best friend on the drive in and just panicked.  She asked me what they said, and I said I didn’t know, I hadn’t opened them yet!  I knew I was going to open the one with the oldest date stamp first, but I was beyond nervous.  Oh, how my phone was ringing that morning in my office!  I was the only one working and just wanted a few minutes of peace and quiet so I could read the letters.  My stomach was churning, my hands were sweating, I was beyond afraid. . .Once it finally slowed down, I opened the 1st letter. . .

 

Letter #1

You have caught me at a loss for words and this is rare.  I don’t know how I feel because you fucked me up.  You’re the only woman I have loved in my life.  You don’t need to tell me how long it has been, because I’ve thought about you every day.  It’s nice to hear you moved on, because I never did.  You’re right, you don’t have a good reason for what you did because I was head over heels in love with you and you were getting on with your life.  You left me for dead like everyone else in my life.  I can understand that you wanted a man who was home, but I have always had to ask myself what’s wrong with me that I’m the only person who cares about Jeff.  It’s easier to think of me the way you remember someone who has passed away.  You claimed I saved you at a time where you thought you couldn’t be saved.  It’s funny the way you repaid me.

I’m sorry to hear about your father.  I lost grandma and you know how I felt about her.  My life is fucked up because after you abandoned me, I went crazy and I really hoped I would get killed behind these walls.  I don’t know if this letter makes any kind of sense, because on one hand I love you more than you will ever know, but on the other hand I want to spit in your face because you were supposed to love me for the rest of my life.  I don’t know what I am supposed to say to you, you didn’t even care about me enough to pay me the respect of coming to tell me face to face.  I understand more than you think because I understand this life of mine is fucked up.  I want to hear from you, I would never shut you out because I’m not you, but you are not forgiven.  I don’t know what you want from me.  I have shit going on because I’m trying to set up my life because once I get out of prison, I’m not coming back.  I just finished writing a book, “from handguns to paint brushes; how art changed my life”.  I am really good at painting and drawing now.  I was in two different college programs, but I keep getting kicked out of these prisons.  Right now I am in ad-seg because I told them I was done and they sent the hit squad at me 3 different times and couldn’t get the job done.  I ended up hurting them each time. I am not about to have shit go down like when I was “hit” in Greenhaven.  I’m just tired of all of this shit, I want to go home.  I have now spent more time in prison than I have free.  I almost married a girl I hated just because I was tired of being alone.   Continue reading “Left For Dead. . . (Part 3 – 26 Years)”

 

My Escape From Prison. . . (Part Two – 26 Years)

Click To Read Part 1 “26 Years”

I felt alive for the first time in years.  Of course, the situation wasn’t ideal, to say the least.  My whole life was about to change.  I was now leaving my husband and the man I loved was facing so much time and didn’t have the possibility to even be considered for parole until 2019.  I was 26, this was almost 14 years ago. . .but at this moment in my life, I didn’t care about the time, all I cared about was how I was finally able to be with the man I loved.

It’s funny how he could make me happier from a prison cell than any other man had the ability to make me happy in the streets.  I had now loved him for over 12 years.  This is who I thought about every single night before I went to sleep and every single morning when I woke up.  He was always on my mind. . .

Although I was 26 years old, I was still very young and naïve.  I had no idea what I was getting myself into, I had no idea what being a prison girlfriend involved, I had no idea that this was going to end up being the most difficult time of my life.  I was in a state of bliss, I was so in love with Jeff and being this much in love, clouded my mind.  The stark reality of what I was going through didn’t exist in my world, not yet at least. .. Loving a man in prison is much different from having a relationship in the real world.  I believe it is more intimate in a way.  You don’t have the opportunity to take each other for granted, because you don’t have many opportunities to see and speak to one another.  Prison dictates when you can speak and see your loved one.  Due to this, you appreciate every second you get to spend together, every phone call, every letter.  Continue reading “My Escape From Prison. . . (Part Two – 26 Years)”

 

26 Years. . .

“This is Part 1, Parts 2-6 are linked at the bottom of this post.  Part 6 is Jeff’s version of our story.  He wrote the last installment”

I fell in love when I was a little girl. Well, not really little, but I was young and naïve, 14 years old, just entering high school when I met him.  His blonde hair captivated me and I was instantly smitten by his million dollar smile.  I will never forget the first time he smiled at me, the way he looked down and the blonde hair would fall over his eyes.  He used to toss his head back, and his hair would move from his face.  I remember this like it was yesterday.

Jeff was a typical “bad boy”.  Never interested in going to class and looked for every excuse under the sun to leave school so he could go surfing.  I was for the most part a good girl, but when I had the chance to cut class and go watch him surf one day, I did.  I will never forget that day.  I didn’t know back then, but this day would’ve been the 1st day of the rest of my life.  We grew very close.  He came from money, his family trained horses, but he had a horrific childhood.  He latched on to me and my mother who ironically, adored him, even though she knew he was trouble.  I think she saw the real him, he was such a great kid, but had a messed-up life and severe abandonment issues.   Continue reading “26 Years. . .”

 

I Am Still A Sucker For A Love Story

So I was listening to a video mix on you tube while I was getting ready.  Usually I skip through the commercials.  You know the 5 seconds left. . .then you’re able to skip the ad!  However, I was in the shower and was unable to press skip.  Thank god because I heard the most amazing cover of Elvis Presley’s “I can’t help falling in love with you”.  I knew it was a commercial because this is a song mix I listen to often.  I couldn’t rinse the conditioner out of my hair fast enough.  I heard at the end “Give Extra, Get Extra”.

Still wet and wrapped in a towel I rushed to my laptop. Of course (my luck) the next song was already on and the back button only showed me the last song with a different Continue reading “I Am Still A Sucker For A Love Story”