Mrs. Deleyer Delayed. . .

If you read 26 Years, you knew Jeff and I were supposed to get married.  Due to his current ticket, we were not allowed to get married this month.  Yes, it was supposed to be this month.  This has been difficult for the both of us.  I know it technically doesn’t really change a lot, but I was just ready to become Mrs. Deleyer.  After all, I have been ready to become Mrs. Deleyer since I was 14 yrs old!

I was outside with my best friend Michelle in the commons area of our High School.  This was the area where all the kids would hang out and smoke cigarettes during lunch breaks and between classes.  I will never forget the first time I saw him as he walked through the doors to the commons areas and the feeling I felt.  I looked over at Michelle and said; “Oh my god, I am going to marry that boy”.  Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined it would end up being in a New York State Maximum Security Prison. . .  I don’t know why this is how our lives played out and I am not sure I will ever understand.  But for some reason, this is the path we have had to take.

He is going crazy being locked down and not being able to see or speak to me.  He is also very upset this ticket affected us getting married.  I try to keep him busy.  I write daily and I have now started assigning him homework to do.  I send him a list of questions, deep questions that he must answer.  I answer the same questions for him as well.  I just received the answers back from a list of questions Continue reading “Mrs. Deleyer Delayed. . .”

 

I Fear They’re Going To Kill Him. . . Update On Jeff. . .

Jeff received a ticket for a dirty urine a few weeks ago.  This is the second one he has received since he has been in this prison.  The first time he lost his visits for a year and all of his privileges, phone included for nine months.  They kept him on Keeplock status in prison.  This means he was confined to his cell for 9 months.  While on keeplock status you’re unable to order commissary and he was unable to order any of his art supplies to paint.  His time ended a few weeks before I first made contact with him again.

He has been doing so well the past two years.  Due to this ticket, he was unable to put in a transfer request.  He had to wait 9 months for his classification to drop and then he would be able to see if he would be able to get back to Eastern Correctional Facility.  In Eastern, he was enrolled in the Bard Prison College Program.  Hundreds of men apply yearly, but only 15 make it.  Jeff was one of the 15 who made it.  We were also supposed to get married this March, but he received another “dirty urine”.  This would be understandable if his urine was dirty, but it wasn’t.  This is the same guard again, who just doesn’t like him.  He went for his hearing and was served another year loss of visits and 9 months keeeplock.  He fought his case during his hearing with all of his evidence, but ironically, the hearing officer is the guards wife and he lost.  He has appealed and a service called PLS (Prison Legal Services) a pro-bono firm picked up his case.  This doesn’t happen often and in order to pick up a case, they have to believe there is wrong doing. Obviously, they see this and they have signed on to assist him in fighting this ticket.  Due to this ticket we are now unable to get married and he is not able to speak to me daily.  This is causing him to go crazy in his cell and his mind is all over the place.

Two of Jeff’s Paintings

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After he received the ticket I contacted Albany and informed them of the situation.  I was irate on the phone and spoke to the IG department.  They had initially investigated an incident that occurred with him when he arrived at this prison.  Jeff had nothing to do with this incident.  This is an excerpt detailing the incident from Jeff’s book:

“Auburn is the second oldest prison in the United States and it is the oldest prison that still houses inmates. Auburn is also the most violent prison in New York State. The presence of death can be felt as soon as you enter the prison. I had gone from the least violent place to the most and it was time to readjust. I am a survivor and I do what I have to do. I was trying to change for the better, yet I was caught between the old me, Dutch the Gangster and the man I wanted to be, Dutch the artist. I was conflicted because I was questioning if I could be more than a Gangster. After all, the woman who was supposed to love me since she was 14 years old, didn’t believe in me. People loved my paintings but I couldn’t sell my work due to being in prison. When I tried to do right, no one helped me, but if I was scheming on illegal money, people believed in my plans and helped. This fact made me question if I was just meant to be nothing more than I was. It’s hard to believe in yourself when no one else does, but at this time I was so passionate about art, I had to work. Art allowed me to have a voice through my visual images. Continue reading “I Fear They’re Going To Kill Him. . . Update On Jeff. . .”

 

His Book Devastated Me. . .

For those of you who have followed my journey with Jeff, you probably remember me speaking of the book he wrote; “From Handguns to Paintbrushes”  On our first visit, he sent the book home with me.  It was a book he had written in black and white marble notebooks.  I don’t know why I questioned his ability to write a book, but I did.  I didn’t think he would be able to do it, but he did it.

The day after our visit I was in my office and the phones were slow so I decided to start reading his book.  I knew it was a story about his life, but I was in no way prepared for what I was about to read.  We had discussed me reading it, typing it in manuscript format and then trying to find a publisher who would publish it.  I figured it would be best to read the book first, and then type it.  After an hour of reading, I left my office angry and devastated.  At this time the jail went on lock down and I was unable to speak with him.  Once I arrived home I spent hours reading until I was finished.  Do you know the feeling you get when you find out your husband/boyfriend is cheating on you?  This was the feeling.  I was so angry with him, wondering how he would even for 5 minutes put this book in my hands.  In his eyes, was this payback for what I put him through?  I couldn’t deal with it and not being able to speak with him set me off into a rage.  I wrote him a VERY detailed letter in an attempt to hurt him and without thinking, sent it overnight.  Once I calmed down, I realized there was no way he Continue reading “His Book Devastated Me. . .”

 

A Trip Down Memory Lane. . .

I don’t know if you would call our love normal.  Some may even say our love is not healthy, or he loves me in a crazy obsessive way. . .but I have come to realize, we are the only two people who need to understand us.  The way this man makes me feel is amazing.  Just hearing his voice instantly relaxes me, my eyes close and I exhale.  He loves me, to death. I believe he would do anything in the world for me and I also believe he would never cheat on me.  This is coming from the mouth of a woman who created the SAHW Website, the woman who believes most men in the world can’t be faithful.  But he is just different.  He loves me in a way, I am not too sure many people have experienced.  We are just different.  We have always been different.  

He called me this morning and asked me if I watched the video yet.  He has been begging me to watch this video for days and I just forgot.  So when he was on the phone today, I grabbed my laptop and watched this video for him.  It’s now 16 hours later, and I am still thinking about this song and us.  He saw it and it reminded him of us.  A story of a girl and guy who were in love.  They were crazy about each other and the video flashes back to show them as young kids.  Ironically, the guy has blonde hair and the girl is a tan skinned dark-haired girl.  Yeah, it reminded me of us too, especially some of the lyrics and the guy who can’t seem to stay out of trouble.  This song took me back to when we were kids.

I don’t remember everything about high school, but when he speaks to me about things we did, I remember like it was yesterday.  Today we took a trip down memory lane.

When we were in high school, raves became very popular.  A whole bunch of kids would be in a warehouse and techno music would be blaring.  If you went to a rave, you were high.  Most of the kids at raves were high off of ecstasy pills or angel dust.  I was never really fond of techno music, but I would go to the raves just to be with him. Everyone we were with would always be high, but not me. Continue reading “A Trip Down Memory Lane. . .”

 

My Visit With My Princess. . .

To Read Our 6 Part Story, 26 Years, Click Here

I hardly slept the night before.  All I could do was think of Joy.  Ten years had passed since I last saw her and the truth of what had happened was harder to deal with than anything else, but this visit would either wash away the past or kill our future.  I knew I loved her but would our love be enough this time?  I needed to see her to know if my memories of how she used to make me feel were real or what I wanted to remember.

In the morning I was trying to get ready and focus my mind.  She had kept telling me she got old and fat, but with her it has always been hard to tell what is fact and what is her imagination.  She has always had a distorted body image and she had battled with a horrible eating disorder for many years.  I love her so much, but I was ready for anything.  I needed her to feel beautiful no matter what the situation was.  She kept telling me no matter what I did she would think I thought she was fat and old.  This was a lot of pressure because I love this woman, and I didn’t want to cause her any pain.

The visits start at 9am and when I last talked to her, she was driving to NY the night before.  When I woke up there was snow on the ground and it was coming down hard.  Joy told me the hotel she was going to stay at was 11 miles away.  I figured her SUV would make it, I was just hoping she wasn’t catching cold feet.  I was showered and ready, but time felt like it was at a stand still. When 10 am rolled around I heard the officer’s jingling keys downstairs and I was about to beg him for an emergency call when he called up to me; “Deleyer, on the visit”.  My nerves washed away and I was overjoyed.  It was finally time to see my princess.  I had packed up a few things I was planning on sending home with her.  I had 3 paintings, 3 marble notebooks that contained my book and a little purple bear I had a guy in here make for her.  I grabbed my bag and was on my way.

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I walked into the visiting room and I saw her right away.  Yes, she had put on some weight but Continue reading “My Visit With My Princess. . .”

 

10 Years Lost. . .My Visit With Jeff

Click To Read Our Full Story – 26 Years 

I was supposed to go and see Jeff next Tuesday, the 7th.  I had everything scheduled and set to go, but I woke up yesterday morning and something inside of me said you need to go now.  I don’t know why, but I felt as though I had to go. I spent my day yesterday running around doing everything I needed to do in order to leave. I arrived home, packed my suitcase, settled the kids and left around 8:30pm.

I speak with Jeff twice a day.  Yesterday morning he called and I told him I was coming.  Oh my goodness, he was beyond excited!  Of course, I was nervous.  I am not the same woman I once was, I am 65lbs bigger.  We haven’t seen each other in 10 years, and I abandoned him without so much as a word.  I was nervous, afraid of him seeing me, what it could do to him.  I thought it may have the reverse effect on him, maybe it would trigger him.  I don’t know. The thought of this had my stomach in knots.

I arrived in Corning NY at 2am.  I was beyond exhausted.  I checked into the hotel and fell asleep almost immediately.  I woke up around 7 am and started to get ready, and checked out of the hotel about 90 minutes later.  It was snowing outside and just nasty and windy.  I packed my suitcase and drove off. I stopped at a Target on the way to grab an umbrella and made my way to the prison.  Once I arrived I had this sinking feeling. I can’t explain to you how entering a prison makes you feel.  I have always hated this.  I hate everything about prison.  Most of the correctional officers have a nasty attitude and attempt to talk down to you, it just isn’t a pleasant experience.

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I had never been to this prison before. Jeff has now been in every single Maximum Security Prison in the state of NY, some of them twice.  But Elmira Correctional Facility Continue reading “10 Years Lost. . .My Visit With Jeff”

 

I Broke Him. . .

Click To Read Our Full Story – 26 Years 

The past few days have been emotionally draining for me.  He just can’t seem to get over it.  Of course, I know this is all brand new to him. I came back after 10 years, with a child, after leaving him for dead in prison without even so much as a “goodbye” or an “I just can’t do this anymore”.  We don’t necessarily argue, but he vents, tells me how he feels and he’s broken down twice.  This makes me feel horrible, and I deserve to feel horrible for what I did to him.  I will never be able to fully understand what I put him through, just like he will never be able to understand what he put me through.  I was young, I was too naive, I couldn’t deal with his life in prison.  He tells me I didn’t love him, because if I loved him I could never do what I did to him.  I get it, I do. . .one would think I didn’t love him, but I will NOT allow anyone to tell me how I felt.  Because NO ONE knows how I felt.  No one knows how difficult it was for me to leave.  I have had my share of Karma, my ex broke me down. . .made me question everything about myself.  I had never felt so trapped in my life. . .it wasn’t just me, I had a family to consider.

I am in love with Jeff.  He has always been the one.  I thought about him constantly.  He literally haunted me.  I was going to post about it, the visions, when he was sitting by my side after my father died at the Cheeca Lodge, I actually have a full blog post about this, but even I knew it sounded crazy.  I sent one of my readers the blog post and although she didn’t come out and say it, I knew what she was thinking.  She told me, “you’re tired, you can edit it in the morning.”  But this is not how I write.  I do not edit, I do not change, what I feel is what I post.  I opted against sharing the “crazy post”, because even though it was so real for me, I didn’t think anyone else would be able to understand. . .Perhaps I am just crazy, I don’t know.  I just don’t know what to do at this point.   Continue reading “I Broke Him. . .”

 

Please Allow Me To Reintroduce Myself. . .

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I finally feel so free. I can’t explain the new found feeling of just feeling free. Not only am I free, but I am finally happy. Those who followed me during SAHW probably know more about my story. I have led a crazy life, filled with drama, love, heartbreak, betrayal and sadness. I feel like so much has happened in such a short period of time. In the past year, my life has changed drastically. But I can finally say I am happy. I have found peace and an extreme calmness has come over me. . .

I have shared my life with many of you over the years. This hasn’t always been easy. I didn’t handle the fame of SAHW well and opted against sharing Jeff. I couldn’t deal with the negativity I was already receiving and adding him into the equation would’ve been catastrophic for me at that time. However, I am in a different place and I just don’t care anymore. . . I am ready to share him, I am not ashamed of where he is or our current situation. I have loved him for what seems like a lifetime.

Most of you have followed “Ariella” for many years, through my original blog where I shared very personal details of my life, the SAHW website, or this blog. Ariella was my escape, my alter ego, my online alias. Ariella has died, I am burying her, she is being put to rest.

When I chose to share 26 years on my blog, it felt uncomfortable for me to share this under Ariella’s Ramblings. 26 Years was not a story of Ariella & Jeff, 26 years is the story of Joy & Jeff.

I appreciate all of the support I have received and I look forward to sharing my journey with you!

Thank you Ladies!

Joy

 

 

26 Years. . .Told by Jeff. . .

“This was very difficult for him to write.  He really had an issue with writing about the point where I left him for dead.  Due to this, he said he couldn’t write everything he feels, at least not now because the pain is too fresh”.

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The music was loud on the cellblock, the racket was so normal, that any seasoned inmate has the ability to tune out the noise.  At this point in my life, I had already been in prison for 5 years, so I had no issue reading my book during the regular chaos.  My cell was #17 out of 40 cells on the prison tier.  I was in the middle but even through all the loud music and noise, I heard a woman’s voice, “female walking on the company”.  In prison, when a woman is on the cell block, they will announce their presence so the men know to be dressed appropriately. Mrs. Scott was my inmate counselor and once every three months she called me into her office to check on my progress with my programs and such. When Mrs. Scott stopped in front of my cell it was a little bit of a shock. However, the message she was about to deliver was one I never saw coming.  This message would change my life.  After a quick greeting, Mrs. Scott told me a friend from my past had called her and wanted to come visit me.  I was excited and told Mrs. Scott to please tell her to come.  Mrs. Scott gave me such a scare because she said she wasn’t sure if she had kept her number, but god was on my side and she would make it up to see me. When she left from in front of my cell I laid back in my bed, my book forgotten and drifted back in time.  

The year was 1991 and I had been sent to Saint James out on Long Island to live with my Grandmother.  I had been getting into trouble in my old neighborhood, so they all decided I needed to go live with Grandma.  Smithtown High School was located in a middle to upper class area in Long Island, and I was coming from a different world.  When I walked into Smithtown High School I swear everyone was looking at me like I was from outer space.  I had my leather 8 ball jacket on and my Nike Air Max’s which matched my jacket.  I don’t think they had ever seen anything like me.  I had a cousin who went to the school and I knew a couple of the girls who had ridden horses at my family’s horse farm, but I didn’t have any friends yet.  I have always been a people person, so I started making friends quickly. Plus, I was already in the drug game so I became popular real fast.  Sadly, at this time I was more interested in making drug sales, instead of going to class.  The school had an area called the commons where kids could smoke cigarettes and hangout when they didn’t go to classes.  This was my area because it was the best place to make money in the school.  One day I was out in the commons area and a kid named Tom was introducing me to people and teaching me the ropes of the school.  He introduced me to a group on girls.  One of the girls was a cute brown-haired, brown-eyed girl.  She had her pinch-rolled pants on and a pull over and when I looked at her she gave me the cutest smile in the world.  This was the girl who was due to show-up on the visit the next day. . .

Here I was, sitting in my cell in a maximum security prison convicted of a drug related murder and I was waiting for the hours to pass so I could see the woman I first met as a little girl.  My life in prison was crazy because of the violence that was a part of my every day, but the mention of her name allowed me to travel back in time in my cell.  I drifted back to my youth and my memories of her.  There was always something different about her.  She had this innocence.  She was a good girl and I was a “bad boy”, but I could talk to her about anything.  I had respect for her because she wasn’t like the other girls in my life who I never respected.  She would come with me and the boys when we would go surfing and she would sit on the beach and watch us surf for hours, even as late as November when we needed dry suits because it was so cold.  She would come to the different Raves with me, we went everywhere.  She was a good girl though.  Never one who was into drugs and she wasn’t one of the other girls who were spreading their legs for everyone.  She had too much respect for herself to be like the other girls.  I was very protective over her and kept her close so she stayed innocent.  

I was a wild kid.  I was selling drugs and getting involved in all sorts of nonsense.  I called my princess one night and told her that me and a few of the boys were going on a “surfing trip”.  A few minutes later I got into a stolen car loaded with drugs and surfboards, which seemed like a good idea at the time.  Of course I left out all the illegal details when I called her.  She made me promise to stop by her house.  I promised her I would and this would be one promise I didn’t keep.  I ended up getting locked up in Florida and when I got out, she was the only person from home I was speaking to.  She made me Christmas cookies with her mom and sent them to me.  One of the cookies she “thinks” put a small crack on my back molar, but I told her I ate all of them (even though they were horrible) because she made them for me and they were delicious! 😉  I was still wild and I needed to come home.  I liked Florida, but I have always been a New York boy. My mother (my aunt who raised me) came down to Florida to bring me home, but it wasn’t going to be peaches and cream upon my return.  As usual, the law had questions for me. Sadly, this would be a recurring theme in my life until one day, a judge would match my age with the time of my sentence he would eventually hand me.  
Continue reading “26 Years. . .Told by Jeff. . .”

 

This End Is Truly The Beginning. . . (Part 5-26 Years)

Jeff wrote his version of our story as well.  It was so nice to read his side, and his memories. . . Click here to read 26 Years, Told By Jeff 

Jeff asked me the other day; “why didn’t you say something to me at the diner.  Why didn’t you just say Jeff, I love you and I can’t live without you and I need you to come with me right now. I want to get married and have our happily ever after, please come with me, I love you and I don’t want to be without you.”  I said to him; “what would you have done with all the girls in your car, would you have just left your crazy life and left with me?”  His response was, “I don’t know, I may have.  It was you, you were always the special one, you were always my little baby.”

This destroyed me. . .did I miss an opportunity, an opportunity that would’ve changed my life forever? Sadly, I will never know. . . I dreamt of our life often, especially when I wasn’t with him.  It was always the same day-dream, and for some reason, he always had the long blonde hair.  This night I was lost in thought. . .and I had to write to him to tell him the day-dream I have had for over 20 years. . .

I wanted everything with YOU Jeff.  I wanted to love you, to save you, to give you forever.  I wanted you to be the first and only man who would ever have me, the only man who had ever touched me. You were my first everything.  Did you know this? . . .because you were all I ever wanted and needed.  I wanted you to one day get on your hands and knees and tell me you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me, and ask me to marry you. I would of course cry and say yes.  I wanted us to get married, a small wedding, under the stars at the beach. . .on the sand and even though we would have guests, we wouldn’t be able to see them, because all we would see was each other.  And then I wanted us to buy our first house together, I wanted us to argue over what colors to paint the walls, what decor and furniture to put in this room and that room.  I wanted to throw my mini temper tantrums until you let me do whatever I wanted, because after all, I was your princess and you couldn’t stand to see me upset.  When I found out we were pregnant with our first child, I wanted to surprise you with something special, like a present with a onesie wrapped up that said “Prince DeLeyer” or “Princess DeLeyer” or something corny like this.  And when you looked at me with a confused look I would’ve had the pregnancy test in my hand. . .I can see you now (you have blonde hair in this day-dream) and you run up to me, pick me up and spin Continue reading “This End Is Truly The Beginning. . . (Part 5-26 Years)”