A Trip Down Memory Lane. . .

I don’t know if you would call our love normal.  Some may even say our love is not healthy, or he loves me in a crazy obsessive way. . .but I have come to realize, we are the only two people who need to understand us.  The way this man makes me feel is amazing.  Just hearing his voice instantly relaxes me, my eyes close and I exhale.  He loves me, to death. I believe he would do anything in the world for me and I also believe he would never cheat on me.  This is coming from the mouth of a woman who created the SAHW Website, the woman who believes most men in the world can’t be faithful.  But he is just different.  He loves me in a way, I am not too sure many people have experienced.  We are just different.  We have always been different.  

He called me this morning and asked me if I watched the video yet.  He has been begging me to watch this video for days and I just forgot.  So when he was on the phone today, I grabbed my laptop and watched this video for him.  It’s now 16 hours later, and I am still thinking about this song and us.  He saw it and it reminded him of us.  A story of a girl and guy who were in love.  They were crazy about each other and the video flashes back to show them as young kids.  Ironically, the guy has blonde hair and the girl is a tan skinned dark-haired girl.  Yeah, it reminded me of us too, especially some of the lyrics and the guy who can’t seem to stay out of trouble.  This song took me back to when we were kids.

I don’t remember everything about high school, but when he speaks to me about things we did, I remember like it was yesterday.  Today we took a trip down memory lane.

When we were in high school, raves became very popular.  A whole bunch of kids would be in a warehouse and techno music would be blaring.  If you went to a rave, you were high.  Most of the kids at raves were high off of ecstasy pills or angel dust.  I was never really fond of techno music, but I would go to the raves just to be with him. Everyone we were with would always be high, but not me. We went to a rave in Boston called Blue.  It was just a huge drug infested party, but I never got high.  No one was ever allowed to even suggest I do a drug.  We drove to Boston with one of our friends Paulie and I remember he tried to get me to take an E pill, and Jeff went wild.  He was always so overprotective of me, even back then. I was his little baby and even though I was there and saw everything, I couldn’t do anything.  To be honest, this was fine by me because I was always scared of hard drugs.  I would still have a good time because I was with him and I loved being with him.  I remember how he would touch my chin with his hand so I would look into his eyes and he would flash his million dollar smile and kiss me on the cheek.  I was so in love with him, even as a little girl and I always felt so safe with Jeff.  I think I even knew back then he would’ve done anything for me.

What I didn’t know until later in life was how Jeff was sleeping with a lot of girls around this time.  He was very sexually active and I wasn’t experienced at all.  He was involved in all sorts of things I knew nothing about.  I was young and naive and hadn’t a clue how the man I loved was heavily involved with sex, drugs and guns.  I mean we were in high school, he took me surfing and we would just hang out and talk about everything under the sun, just normal teenager stuff.  I never saw the dangerous side of him.  I mean I knew he popped an E pill at a Rave and smoked some weed, but so did most of the kids I went to high school with. When I went to spend the weekend out in the Hampton’s with him, he was actually there because he was hiding from the police. I thought he went to go live out on his aunt and uncle’s horse farm so he would stay out of trouble.  I had no idea he was facing felony charges at 16 years old.  It’s like he was two different people living two different lives.  When he was with me he was a sweet teenage boy who just enjoyed hanging out and having fun, but when he wasn’t with me he was a drug dealing criminal. I remember spending the first night with him and we were laying in bed and just talked. We stayed up really late until I finally fell asleep on his shoulder with his arms around me.  I remember how he told me to go to sleep and kissed me on my forehead and would rock me and say shhh.  The next day we ran around outside and I tried my best not to throw up from the smell of the horses.  Oh god, I hated the way they smelled but as far as he was concerned, I LOVED horses because he loved them.  🙂  We went back to the camper in the early evening and we were just hanging out.  We were laying in the bed just laughing and he looked at me in the eyes and leaned over to kiss me. His kisses were so soft.  We kissed for such a long time and he was so gentle.  Lets just say we were touching and it became 100% apparent to him I was a virgin, even though I swore I wasn’t.  I was so young, I remember telling him I wasn’t a virgin and how I had slept with “so many guys already”.  Yup, I was this naive I had no idea how this wasn’t appropriate for a young girl to say.  LOL.  But he knew. . . Before he was 100% sure, he was already 100% sure.  So we just kissed and fooled around until we fell asleep.


Whenever he touched me, whether it was a kiss, hug or just holding my hand, I felt this feeling like I was going to fall down.  26 years later, his touch still gives me the same feeling.  For some reason, he opted against take my virginity. He says this is probably the only thing he has done right in his life.  He swears he would’ve ruined me and how he cared about me too much and how he couldn’t fathom hurting me.  He didn’t think he was good enough for me.  He has told me this for years, how he wasn’t the right person for me, how I deserved the best life possible and how I was supposed to marry a doctor or lawyer and have a beautiful life.  We spoke about this today.  But what he doesn’t get is, he did ruin me.  I was never able to be happy without him in my life.  I tried for years and it just didn’t work. When I left him for dead in prison I left because I didn’t want to love him anymore! Loving him hurt me!  I didn’t want to be in love with him, I wanted a normal life and I just wanted to be happy.  This time around I tried for 10 years to get over him, but I was never able to.  I often wonder what would’ve happened if he did take my virginity that night. Would he have destroyed me or could both of our lives have turned out differently?  Sadly, we will never know.

It’s difficult for me to have regrets because I have 3 beautiful children who wouldn’t be here if things worked out differently. I love them and I can’t imagine my life without them.  But there is a piece of me who feels we have been cheated.  We have lost so much time. . . It’s just not fair.  I just want him to come home, I just want to finally have a normal life.  I just want to be happy.  I just want him to hold me in his arms while I sleep just like he did 25 years ago. I miss him, every second of every day.  I may pop up and go visit him again next week.  Just being able to look into his eyes and hold hands for a few hours gives me peace.


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