In all the time that has passed I have come to realize that if you were able to keep secrets like you did for years & have a twisted loyalty to someone else, that you were capable of doing so much more for me as my husband & as a father. You simply didn’t want to.
You put your time and attention into someone other than me and our family. You robbed me of affection, attention, compliments & most importantly love, loyalty and the value that I deserved.
I tried so hard every day, while you had already given up on us & me. You should have been proud to have a wife who loved you, who raised your child as her own, who fought to keep her family moving with very little help from you, but none of that was enough for you. You went for what was easy & convenient instead of stepping up as the husband & dad we deserved you to be. In all the effort it took for you to hide your affair that was time stolen from me & the girls. You should have looked inside yourself & tried to fix your broken pieces.
I remember the day you walked into our room and announced abruptly you were leaving and unhappy. Did you ever think how the added stress of your announcement might have effected me and my pregnancy? Did it ever cross your mind that you were at a crossroads in your life where God had blessed you with the son you always wanted even though he knew what you were doing and planning and that he was giving you a chance to change from who you had secretly become? I believe once you spoke those words out into the universe your choice was what set the wheels in motion to the day we would lose him.
You saying that you didn’t think it would matter if you left was a cop-out. You leaving was beyond devastating to me & the girls especially little J and your timing was horribly cruel. WE just lost OUR son & you said M dying was a sign. Who says such things or has such thoughts?!?! You used M dying as another excuse for your selfish choices.
It took me months to even begin to process loosing M, but you gave me 2 weeks. I didn’t need magic. Just you, my husband and the hopes of trying again and you stole that from me. Maybe loosing M was different for you because you were already trying to replace him with her. Nothing was sacred to you. Not me, our family, our son or our home. You had already given it all away.
If you chose to believe that she wasn’t relieved that M died, your son, the girls little brother, to justify your choices then that is on you. I know the truth, she knows the truth and so does God.
All I ever wanted was for you to spend time with me and the girls. You chose to separate yourself from us which in turn made me angry and resentful and rightfully so. You left everything up to me. Then you throw it in my face that I had too much power. When really, it wasn’t power at all. It was me being responsible and keeping our family moving. You kept denying me & I kept on giving. I was running on empty for so long and I didn’t even know it. I wasn’t loved, valued or appreciated as I deserved to be.
You traded in your wife who loved you & your family for someone who would betray her childhood friend.
She still hasn’t lost anything while you left & never looked back. She even cheated on you with Richard multiple times & you somehow magically accepted that. Neither one of you protected me. You could have made so many different choices, but you didn’t.
I cried every day for over a year. I have never known such pain existed. I want MY family, but that will never be. You made sure of that. You broke my heart in so many ways. You took all my fears & used them against me when my heart was already shattered into pieces after loosing M. You crushed my soul making me feel worthless and undeserving when you turned your back on me.
The magnitude of all my losses combined made me want to die. I prayed for it and you were just going about your affair as if I never mattered to you at all or as if it didn’t matter if the girls lost their mom. How could you have had absolutely no concern for me or our girls seeing me in such obvious pain?
You were down right hateful to me when you knew all along that you were in the wrong & what you were doing & had done was dirty. Then for added fun you both made me feel crazy when I was right all along.
I was your wife and you gave what should have been only mine to someone else just like your dad gave his attention to Keith and not you. You have become a part of everyone who has ever hurt you, didn’t protect you & who has betrayed you. I wasn’t perfect, but my loyalty and character is and always will be unbreakable.
I really loved you B & I did all I could with what I had, but I accepted way too little. I never would have & never did give up on you as you did to me. I missed you so much every day and every second of every day hurt without you here.
I have wanted you & have needed you to feel my pain and be truly sorry & remorseful for so long, but I know in order for that to even be possible, you would have to really look inside yourself and see why it was so easy for you to turn on the people who loved you and who stood by you.
You should feel shame and disgusted with yourself for doing what you were doing while I was working and trying to get the bills paid and being the best wife & mom I could be, but it was all about you. We were all an after thought. Your choices were selfish & self preserving.
I deserved so much more than an apology over text after you got caught. You had convinced me for a while that it was my fault and I deserved you leaving, but I have finally come to a place where I will no longer accept what you choose to do as my fault.
No matter how much time passes you will never be able to run from yourself or what you chose to do. You failed me and our family, but most importantly you failed yourself.