Frustration. . . and an update. . .

 

So yesterday I did my weekly weigh in and I only lost a half of a pound!  I was beyond frustrated!  I am eating well, gave up carbs and I am on a strict 1200 calorie a day diet.  I exercised 5 days last week, minimum 90 minutes a day! I am just frustrated, but I will not allow myself to give up.  I am hoping my monthly visitor has something to do with this. I went to the gym yesterday and I am off to the gym in a few.

Just wanted to add that Jeff’s book has been completed and is with the editor. This is a very exciting time for us! I am so very proud of him and am so happy I get to assist him in his telling his story.  I have created a fb page for him with updates pertaining to the book and the books release.  Click here to view his page and to read the opening paragraph of his book!  

 

Mrs. Deleyer Delayed. . .

 

If you read 26 Years, you knew Jeff and I were supposed to get married.  Due to his current ticket, we were not allowed to get married this month.  Yes, it was supposed to be this month.  This has been difficult for the both of us.  I know it technically doesn’t really change a lot, but I was just ready to become Mrs. Deleyer.  After all, I have been ready to become Mrs. Deleyer since I was 14 yrs old!

I was outside with my best friend Michelle in the commons area of our High School.  This was the area where all the kids would hang out and smoke cigarettes during lunch breaks and between classes.  I will never forget the first time I saw him as he walked through the doors to the commons areas and the feeling I felt.  I looked over at Michelle and said; “Oh my god, I am going to marry that boy”.  Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined it would end up being in a New York State Maximum Security Prison. . .  I don’t know why this is how our lives played out and I am not sure I will ever understand.  But for some reason, this is the path we have had to take.

He is going crazy being locked down and not being able to see or speak to me.  He is also very upset this ticket affected us getting married.  I try to keep him busy.  I write daily and I have now started assigning him homework to do.  I send him a list of questions, deep questions that he must answer.  I answer the same questions for him as well.  I just received the answers back from a list of questions Continue reading “Mrs. Deleyer Delayed. . .”

He May Not Be Able To Love The New Me. . .

 

I feel very sad to say that I’ve become an infedility expert. My husband has had multiple Texting/FB/Phone affairs. He swears none of them were physical. I’m still healing from this last batch and it’s been extremely difficult. He met up on 2 occasions at a hotel with a woman he knew growing up (she came to our hometown from 300 miles away to see him!), at the same time he was having another “relationship” with a 23 year old employee of his (we are almost 40!), and also he was engaging in an online relationship with a woman in a different country. Cybersex, texting…all that. Even coming home in the morning after spending 2 different nights with the one woman, swears nothing physical happened. I don’t nor will I ever believe him.

As the lies piled up over the course of 3 months while these 3 separate  affairs were going on, I learned a lot that may help other women in a similar situation. Please don’t ever blame yourself for someone else’s betrayal. No matter how much blame they try to throw your way, they made the choice to cheat. Don’t let them make you feel like you are inadequate in any way. Which brings me to my second piece of advice, LOVE YOURSELF! Continue reading “He May Not Be Able To Love The New Me. . .”

4.6lbs Down. . .

 

Just wanted to give everyone a little update.  I just completed week one of my weight loss journey, and I lost 4.6lbs!  I am excited about this and I am trying not to think of how much longer and how much more I have to go. The truth is, if this was years ago, I would’ve lost 10lbs in a week, but. . . I am not so young anymore.

I worked out 6 out of 7 days at the gym and I found it really helpful by pre-making all of my meals.  I basically gave up bread and sweets and just eat fish and salad.  It’s easier to make good choices when you can open up the refrigerator and just grab something.  I feel as though if I didn’t pre make my food, I wouldn’t have ate well.  This will be the key to my success.

Although I didn’t make it to the gym yesterday, which was weigh in day, I will be going today and the rest of the week. I have a great playlist of music to listen to while I work out and this helps! I must remember it didn’t take a day to put on, so it sure as hell is not going to take a day to take off!

 

 

I Fear They’re Going To Kill Him. . . Update On Jeff. . .

 

Jeff received a ticket for a dirty urine a few weeks ago.  This is the second one he has received since he has been in this prison.  The first time he lost his visits for a year and all of his privileges, phone included for nine months.  They kept him on Keeplock status in prison.  This means he was confined to his cell for 9 months.  While on keeplock status you’re unable to order commissary and he was unable to order any of his art supplies to paint.  His time ended a few weeks before I first made contact with him again.

He has been doing so well the past two years.  Due to this ticket, he was unable to put in a transfer request.  He had to wait 9 months for his classification to drop and then he would be able to see if he would be able to get back to Eastern Correctional Facility.  In Eastern, he was enrolled in the Bard Prison College Program.  Hundreds of men apply yearly, but only 15 make it.  Jeff was one of the 15 who made it.  We were also supposed to get married this March, but he received another “dirty urine”.  This would be understandable if his urine was dirty, but it wasn’t.  This is the same guard again, who just doesn’t like him.  He went for his hearing and was served another year loss of visits and 9 months keeeplock.  He fought his case during his hearing with all of his evidence, but ironically, the hearing officer is the guards wife and he lost.  He has appealed and a service called PLS (Prison Legal Services) a pro-bono firm picked up his case.  This doesn’t happen often and in order to pick up a case, they have to believe there is wrong doing. Obviously, they see this and they have signed on to assist him in fighting this ticket.  Due to this ticket we are now unable to get married and he is not able to speak to me daily.  This is causing him to go crazy in his cell and his mind is all over the place.

Two of Jeff’s Paintings

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After he received the ticket I contacted Albany and informed them of the situation.  I was irate on the phone and spoke to the IG department.  They had initially investigated an incident that occurred with him when he arrived at this prison.  Jeff had nothing to do with this incident.  This is an excerpt detailing the incident from Jeff’s book:

“Auburn is the second oldest prison in the United States and it is the oldest prison that still houses inmates. Auburn is also the most violent prison in New York State. The presence of death can be felt as soon as you enter the prison. I had gone from the least violent place to the most and it was time to readjust. I am a survivor and I do what I have to do. I was trying to change for the better, yet I was caught between the old me, Dutch the Gangster and the man I wanted to be, Dutch the artist. I was conflicted because I was questioning if I could be more than a Gangster. After all, the woman who was supposed to love me since she was 14 years old, didn’t believe in me. People loved my paintings but I couldn’t sell my work due to being in prison. When I tried to do right, no one helped me, but if I was scheming on illegal money, people believed in my plans and helped. This fact made me question if I was just meant to be nothing more than I was. It’s hard to believe in yourself when no one else does, but at this time I was so passionate about art, I had to work. Art allowed me to have a voice through my visual images. Continue reading “I Fear They’re Going To Kill Him. . . Update On Jeff. . .”

Finding Joy. . .My Weight Loss Journey. . .

 

I have been overweight for 10 years now.  My weight has fluctuated from 130-230.  I wish I could say it was due to having my youngest son, but the truth is, when I delivered him, I was 170 and I think I came home from the hospital at around 160.  I didn’t gain a ton of weight while pregnant.  Here is me 10 years ago. . .  130lbs-136lbs.  These are the photos he looks at. . .  I miss her.  Back during this time, I thought I was a fat whale. . .

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This one was for Jeff’s eyes only but. . .

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Jeff&Joy

In my 20’s and early 30’s I was a strict Vegetarian.  I exercised at least 5 days a week for 2 hours a day.  I have battled with Bulimia for over 20 years.  I stopped throwing up regularly at 29, but stopped throwing up entirely at 35.  What most people don’t understand about Bulimia is bulimics do not “lose weight” from throwing up, they maintain their weight.  When I was younger,  I was diagnosed with Body Dysmorphic Disorder.  The medical definition of Body Dysmorphic Disorder is “a psychological disorder in which a person becomes obsessed with imaginary defects in their appearance.”  Basically, you can’t really see what you look like when you look into a mirror.  When I was thin, I thought I was fat, and when I got fat, I honestly believe I had no idea as to how fat I became.

As most of you know, my ex was a serial cheater.  He cheated constantly and I believe this played a huge role in my weight gain.  I was depressed because I was with a man, and had a child with a man who had no regard for my feelings.  I was miserable for such a long time and regretted Continue reading “Finding Joy. . .My Weight Loss Journey. . .”

New Life, Ex Wife. . .Part 2

 

“I just want to be happy.”

I didn’t hear that from him, in fact, he and I have never spoken about it.  However, I did see a private message between my husband and his brother right after we separated.  His brother asked him if he was happy, he replied, “very, very happy.”  Well, this was my husband’s whole premise to have an affair.  The premise is simple: I am not happy in my work, my home, my marriage but I will be happy if I can be with Sharon. Typically, he believed that when freed from our marriage he and she will develop a new and blissful relationship with each other.   All the problems in the world will cease to be, and they will live happily ever after with no repercussions from family, friends, children, grandchildren… Well, he has the new relationship, but is he really happy?  Is she?  Am I?  Is her husband?  Are her children?  Are our children?

Let me make this clear….Sometimes a marriage should end. For example, it may be necessary to leave if a spouse or child is in danger. However, like mine, most of the departing spouses are not seeking safety; instead, they pursue an anticipated different life in which a new lover will make everything wonderful. However, in reality, the belief is a delusion. Unfortunately, for most of the cheating spouses, their anticipated “happily ever after” eventually evolves into “what was I thinking?”

More than seventeen years into our marriage, I learned about the first affair.  And in typical fashion, he believed that she was the answer to all his problems.  But, he claimed it was just a texting affair, that he hadn’t stepped over that line, that he wasn’t even actually having an affair it was just….just…. “Two troubled and depressed people talking”.  He called an end to it.  Over, she meant nothing. One year later, caught him AGAIN, with her, texting, he still claimed it wasn’t sexual.  Guess what, he “ended it again”  that was a lie, also it became sexual.  It became “a relationship/affair”.

A Faulty Assumption Continue reading “New Life, Ex Wife. . .Part 2”

His Book Devastated Me. . .

 

For those of you who have followed my journey with Jeff, you probably remember me speaking of the book he wrote; “From Handguns to Paintbrushes”  On our first visit, he sent the book home with me.  It was a book he had written in black and white marble notebooks.  I don’t know why I questioned his ability to write a book, but I did.  I didn’t think he would be able to do it, but he did it.

The day after our visit I was in my office and the phones were slow so I decided to start reading his book.  I knew it was a story about his life, but I was in no way prepared for what I was about to read.  We had discussed me reading it, typing it in manuscript format and then trying to find a publisher who would publish it.  I figured it would be best to read the book first, and then type it.  After an hour of reading, I left my office angry and devastated.  At this time the jail went on lock down and I was unable to speak with him.  Once I arrived home I spent hours reading until I was finished.  Do you know the feeling you get when you find out your husband/boyfriend is cheating on you?  This was the feeling.  I was so angry with him, wondering how he would even for 5 minutes put this book in my hands.  In his eyes, was this payback for what I put him through?  I couldn’t deal with it and not being able to speak with him set me off into a rage.  I wrote him a VERY detailed letter in an attempt to hurt him and without thinking, sent it overnight.  Once I calmed down, I realized there was no way he Continue reading “His Book Devastated Me. . .”

A Trip Down Memory Lane. . .

 

I don’t know if you would call our love normal.  Some may even say our love is not healthy, or he loves me in a crazy obsessive way. . .but I have come to realize, we are the only two people who need to understand us.  The way this man makes me feel is amazing.  Just hearing his voice instantly relaxes me, my eyes close and I exhale.  He loves me, to death. I believe he would do anything in the world for me and I also believe he would never cheat on me.  This is coming from the mouth of a woman who created the SAHW Website, the woman who believes most men in the world can’t be faithful.  But he is just different.  He loves me in a way, I am not too sure many people have experienced.  We are just different.  We have always been different.  

He called me this morning and asked me if I watched the video yet.  He has been begging me to watch this video for days and I just forgot.  So when he was on the phone today, I grabbed my laptop and watched this video for him.  It’s now 16 hours later, and I am still thinking about this song and us.  He saw it and it reminded him of us.  A story of a girl and guy who were in love.  They were crazy about each other and the video flashes back to show them as young kids.  Ironically, the guy has blonde hair and the girl is a tan skinned dark-haired girl.  Yeah, it reminded me of us too, especially some of the lyrics and the guy who can’t seem to stay out of trouble.  This song took me back to when we were kids.

I don’t remember everything about high school, but when he speaks to me about things we did, I remember like it was yesterday.  Today we took a trip down memory lane.

When we were in high school, raves became very popular.  A whole bunch of kids would be in a warehouse and techno music would be blaring.  If you went to a rave, you were high.  Most of the kids at raves were high off of ecstasy pills or angel dust.  I was never really fond of techno music, but I would go to the raves just to be with him. Everyone we were with would always be high, but not me. Continue reading “A Trip Down Memory Lane. . .”

New Life, Ex-Wife Part 1. . .

 

I used to go by “anonymous”, then I grew into “anonymous no more” on a Betrayed Wives Club website. Now I am ME, Cyndie Bryant. How did it get to here?

On the last day of September 2016, I looked at my husband’s tablet and saw these words, “I Miss you Mark,” “I Miss you too Sharon,” “I Love you Mark,” “I love you too Sharon.”

Well, since my name is Cyndie I knew this wasn’t me! (Sarcasm -101). My husband of 20 years, had been having a three-year affair (oops, she wrote that in one of her messenger tests herself) with another women. Another ALSO married women. Three years ago, I caught him having an emotional affair, or on-line affair as he called it with this same women. He and she were texting each other, first on Facebooks messenger (she sent him a late night text that said, “I’m back”. I asked him where she had been!) He claimed it was simple flirting, he’d stop immediately. Then a few months later, there she was again, this time on the cell phone I bought him as a surprise birthday gift (it took me a few months to “catch on”). His son worked with him at the time and was teasing him about who he was texting so much….of course, he was told “Cyndie, who else”? Texting back and forth 1700 times in July, 2000 times in August…..and it went on and upwards until I caught them in January by seeing the phone bill (yes, I have the originals). He tried to lie, saying it was some male friend of his that liked to send porn back and forth. Well, it was a “friend” all right, her name was S Sinclair. I finally dragged it out of him and verified that it was her cell phone. Continue reading “New Life, Ex-Wife Part 1. . .”